


nightmare

by gukkieandtae



Category: taekook - Fandom, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: 2016 to 2018, Coming Out, Coming of Age, Confused Taehyung, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending?, M/M, Mutual Pining, bts as idols, jungkook in love, taekook, vkook
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-24
Updated: 2018-07-02
Packaged: 2019-04-07 13:05:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 40,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14081547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gukkieandtae/pseuds/gukkieandtae
Summary: where jeongguk struggles to keep his less platonic feelings for his best friend a secret."the idol life, it's...it's tough."non-au.





	1. one

** _NIGHTMARE_ ** __

**-**

**BANGTAN DORM:**

**January 1st, 2016**

**03:18**

**-**

The new year could not have started any worse for Jeongguk. 

The dorm was eerily quiet, the other members, minus Namjoon and Yoongi who were working on something in the studio, were already fast asleep, the night's events of drinking and playing random games leading them all to be exhausted. The bed next to him remains untouched, a reminder that Namjoon wouldn't be returning anytime soon. The moon, bright and awake, streaks light through the open blinds. 

Jeongguk fists the sheets tightly in his hand, numerous beads of sweat lining his forehead, bottom lip quivering as he tries to hold in a sob. He was in the midst of another nightmare, something that occurred now and again to him. The non-stop growth of them and their company never fails to always add a new pressure to all of their shoulders. Now there was no room for mistakes, rumours, gossip - nothing. If they were anything less than perfect things would soon go awry. It became difficult at times to deal with it all, but they all had each other, through thick and thin and that seemed to help them digest everything and sleep well at night. 

Except for Jeongguk, it's harder for him. No matter how much he tries to swallow everything down, the pressure adds and adds until he feels like he's drowning. It's hard to escape his mindset, especially seeing as lately, he has had to mature a lot. With the added popularity, he had to act more like the 'golden maknae' and less like himself. Normally he wouldn't crumble under the pressure of more beady eyes, seeing as the fans really did love them as a whole, it was just that little fact that one slip up could result in them rolling fast downhill, right back at the bottom. 

His unexplainable... feelings also didn't help him to settle down easily. Lately, he had become confused, brain turned into a chaotic mess whenever Taehyung had been on his mind. It even got to the point where his dreams seem to revolve around the older a lot. At first, he wasn't exactly surprised seeing as he's had plenty of dreams about his friends, he was bound to, seeing as he saw them every single day. It was only recently that they had been less about everyone he knows, and more of just one person - Taehyung.

They range from sweet dreams to nightmares. Unpleasant feelings of waking up thinking that the one person he has become closest to now hates him. He wakes up feeling nauseous and terrified sometimes. His mind loved to torture him. 

It's not a secret that he and Taehyung are close, they have been glued to the hips since day one. He doesn't exactly know why they were so close, seeing as Taehyung was closest to Jimin in age, but they were both the youngest and they both had a lot in common. Taehyung helped him to 'come out of his shell' and helped him to become comfortable and confident. There was just something so endearing about Taehyung that made his heart speed up that little bit more when he saw him, made him excited and happy whenever the older entered the room. 

He doesn't know these feelings, and he decided ages ago to not dwell on them for too long. He hadn't noticed before, but they had slowly become closer, and whenever the younger was with him, he couldn't help but feel home. And it was nothing like in the movies when he was with Taehyung, there was no fireworks, butterflies, nothing of the sort. Just a beautiful warmness, like being cocooned under the warmth of the duvet when the morning was too bitterly cold. It dawned on him suddenly, when he was with everyone at dance practice, and all that was running through his mind was  _Taehyung Taehyung Taehyung,_ like a broken record. All he focuses on and thinks about is Taehyung. 

He couldn't help these dreams - no, nightmares, from entering his mind. Some nights were worse than others, he hardly got enough sleep then, if not any at all. Most of the nightmares were recurring but Jungkook could never get adjusted to them. Every nightmare caused more of a strain on his crumbling heart. He feels guilty feeling this way for a certain time. He knows when he has a 'crush' of sorts, he knows his infatuation with Taehyung was bordering the lines of something a little less platonic and more romantic. Jeongguk felt disorientated. He didn't really know what to do, how to feel. He hated not having everything planned out and analysed, he wants to understand things that little bit better, but for now, this would have to do.

He hardly ever realised how much it was actually destroying him, how much sleep he missed out on just because he was full of unknown fear. He didn't know how long he would be able to keep these feelings from the other members, they very rarely had any secrets, always open with each other. But after the nightmares, he had no choice to keep this a secret. Because if Taehyug finds out his feelings for him and then things become too awkward... he wouldn't know what he would do. 

Wanting a relationship with another man might not be a big deal to others, but for Jeongguk he had an 'image' as an idol to maintain. Him being leaked as 'not straight' could jeopardise Bangtan, something he didn't want to be the cause of. He had already made a mental note to figure out his feelings, figure out his sexuality because these feelings have been going on for too long to be something that didn't mean anything. It doesn't help that with everything else going on around him, the flying to new places, the pressure to mature faster than everyone else, sometimes he just wants to shut down and sleep for years, not figure out something that might not even have an absolute answer.

All the members had seen him with his eyes bruised from sleeplessness, asking him the same, repeated question,  _"Are you okay?"_ and the same concerned command,  _"Go and sleep, we can finish up here."_ And of course, he would say the same, usual response, voice monotoned,  _"Okay hyung."_

The problem, however, wasn't the fact he couldn't fall asleep, he could do that easily. He dreams, most of the time, of nothing, then he gets thrown into a nightmare, one which leaves him breathless and slapped in the face by reality when he awakes later, ridden with anxiety. The next days after leaving him to walk on eggshells, always thinking of the things he's saying like he's reciting from a script of sorts. Even the members threw him strange looks. They know how Jeongguk acts, in front of cameras he can become quite shy and nervous, but back in the dorm he's loud and talkative most of the time, always caught playing games with everyone.

Jeongguk was just...tired. That was all.

It's not like he could hide anywhere because he still shares a room with Namjoon so he has to act asleep, and when Namjoon is asleep, he then goes to sleep, praying that he doesn't have a nightmare that wakes Namjoon up. He doesn't have the answers to any questions the leader would ask him. He doubts the whole conversation of, 'I may like my best friend in more of an 'I want to be his boyfriend kind of way' but I have nightmares about him hating me,' would go well at all. He would be embarrassed and teased, even if he knows Namjoon is not like that at all, not that mean. Jeongguk would just sit and curse his own mind for giving him such terrifyingly vivid dreams that seemed so real.

Some nights when he was left alone in the dorm, he would try and catch up on the sleep he missed but it was practically impossible, he always woke up too soon out of the fear the members would catch him in the middle of a nightmare. He is prone to mumbling in his sleep, so slipping up and saying something he wasn't meant to say isn't on the top of his list, pretty far from it actually. The worst thing of all is that Jeongguk would do anything that be viewed as someone who is weak and fragile, so he puts on the biggest smile, covering up everything like a thick, black blanket. In all honesty, sometimes he wasn't okay when the cameras pointed his way, though he never failed to show his wonderfully deceiving smile. No one could know the difference, not even his hyungs.

_How he wished he could tell them all how he really feels._

The nightmare tonight seemed to be the worse one he had ever had yet.

Tossing and turning repeatedly, vivid scenes played on a loop in his mind. First of all, it was the fear of failing, of being on stage and messing up, resulting in everyone laughing at him and also all the members abandoning him because he simply wasn't good enough. Dreams like these were common for all the members, everyone has the fear that they were going to end up back at rock bottom again. 

In truth, he had always had issues with himself. He didn't think he was 'perfect' or 'golden' like everyone said he was, he was breaking and crumbling on the inside waiting for the waves to succumb him into darkness, to bring him down and drown him. Most of his nightmares including Taehyung had him waking up crying and shaking uncontrollably, breaking out into a cold sweat. This one was no different. Minute whimpers escaped his parted lips, salty tears making their way down to his face, looking like glistening crystals when the moonlight shone on his face.  

He let out another loud whimper followed by a raspy scream, the sheets underneath him getting more and more crumpled, his fist turning white from the tightness of his grip. WIth flowing tears he lets out everything that had been bubbling inside him, unconsciously everything hidden deep down seemed to unravel, his painful worries escaping with his broken whines.

_[Taehyung hates him, Taehyung hates him, Taehyung hates him]_

_"Gukkie"_

_"Jeongguk"_

"Gukkie-ah!"

Jeongguk jerks awake with a gasp, his body jolting forward, breathless.

There was a loud crackle of thunder outside the open window, causing him to clench his eyes shut, pulling his knees to his chest. His breaths were ragged and uneven, he opened his eyes, frantically scanning the spinning room not being able to acknowledge Taehyung in front of him shaking him with wide eyes. He didn't even hear his name being called repeatedly. 

Suddenly he feels an envelope of warmth engulf him when he was pulled into a body, his arms pinned by his sides. He instantly freaked out and tried pushing the 'figure' off of him, still thinking he was in the midst of a nightmare, but it didn't work. He gave up and let himself fall limply into the arms holding him, shakily inhaling. He tried to speak, scream, shout, but all that came out was a choked gasp of air.

"Gukkie, calm down please, you're safe now, I got you... I got you."

He instantly recognized the voice.  _Taehyung._ But still, somehow he couldn't get calm, his mind was too busy with the harsh pumping in his head, like a drum kit being hit harshly. All he could do was bury himself in Taehyung's neck, the room getting darker, the moon hidden behind clouds. The fact Taehyung was here straight after the dream scared the younger. He thought he would yell at him, tell him he doesn't want to see him. What if?  _What if?_

He knew Taehyung would never say those things, not to him, but his mind still played tricks on him. Still worried him. He became so easily stressed, his nightmares were always worse when he was stressed. When he had finally stopped struggling against the broader male, he sobbed again, the waves of tears leaving tracks down his puffy cheeks, leaving a salty taste slipping into his mouth. He saw a hand about to come into contact with his hair, the person loosening their hold slightly, Jeongguk flinches back in fright, his head bumping against the headboard and he finally looked over and acknowledged his hyung who's big eyes stared back at his, the unexpected fright evident in his eyes, hand still outstretched to show he wasn't trying to harm him.

"Guk, breathe, you're okay," Taehyung spoke softly, his hands now cupping the younger's face, his own face pulled into a frown, heartbroken by the younger's state. Jeongguk closes his eyes briefly as the warmth emitting from Taehyung's fingers was pure bliss to the frozen maknae, his heart started beating faster and he couldn't tell if his face was heating up from embarrassment or a settling fever. He was slowly remembering where he was and his uneven breaths slowly started to turn to a normal, regular pace.

Taehyung had never seen the younger quite like this before. He was used to his bunny smile and adorable laugh. His heart ached when he looked at his fragile state, the fear in his eyes mixed with the sadness that seemed to stretch for miles. He wanted nothing more than to hug  Jungkook but thought against the idea harshly as he didn't want to freak him out any more than he already did. He becomes increasingly worried when Jeongguk starts shivering despite his clothes clinging to his sweaty back. Taehyung studied the maknae, watching the way his body seemed so small in the dim lit room. He looked so young and afraid. He instantly felt pitiful for him. 

_How could he be so blind? How long has jeongguk been suffering without anyone to help him?_

"Taehyung-ah," He sobs, sniffling into Taehyung's jumper. "Please don't leave me,"

Taehyung freezes, blinking back his own tears at how heartbroken the younger sounds. Taehyung grabs his hands and holds onto him tightly. 

"I won't leave you Jeongguk, why would you say that, hmm?" 

 The younger soon stilled his whimpers and short sobs and suddenly froze. His face heated up, even more, the embarrassment floods through his veins. What the fuck did he just say? He felt so ashamed and angry with himself. Taehyung immediately noticed the way the younger tenses up and tries to hold him again, but Jeongguk's instantly shying away from his touch, his puffy eyes closing abruptly, his hand balled into a fist.

"Guk-ah, what's wrong? You can tell me," The elder whispered hoping the other members hadn't woken up. Luckily for them, they were all deep sleepers so it didn't seem to be a problem, plus he guessed from the empty bed next to Jeongguk that Namjoon was down in the studio. He ignored the slight hurt he felt when the younger had shied away from him. Jeongguk's face was all puffy, his complexion was as white as a ghost, notwithstanding the heat of the room, his skin was ice cold to the touch. 

Now Taehyung doesn't know much about medical related things, but he does know that the younger was most likely going to get a fever, or at the least, get a cold for a week or two judging by his hot and cold temperature and coughs. 

Getting a grip on reality, Jeongguk uses his weakened arms to push himself up so he was sitting upright, his hoodie swaying loosely on his small figure. He felt feverish and stuffy but also freezing. He didn't even blink when Taehyung began to take off his hoodie, leaving him in nothing but his boxers. He was too droopy, too far submitted into the haziness to protest. Taehyung, on the other hand, had to will himself to look everywhere else but down. His ears turned a deep red, but neither took notice of it. 

"Please don't leave" Jeongguk blabbers again, he couldn't look up into his hyungs eye though, he was just so ashamed and scared. He badly wanted someone to hold, someone like Taehyung but he just... couldn't. He knew he would say something that would make things worse. Every single thought he spent so hard to lock away would come tumbling out. He was fearful, anxious. Jeongguk covers his face with his hand. He felt the emotions ready to burst, to explode from within. He wanted to be alone, yet he didn't. 

"Wha-what?" Taehyung stammered, "I'm not going to leave, just tell me what got you so worked up, please Gukkie, tell hyungie" Taehyung pleaded, lifting Jeongguk's chin with a shaky finger to get him to look at his eyes, but the younger just wouldn't look, he just turned his head to the side quickly. Taehyung couldn't believe Jungkook was refusing to speak, he used to confide in Taehyung, soft snuggles now and again and messing around that would lead to them sleeping. It made Taehyung feel better having someone next to him, he had missed that feeling of not being alone.

"Nothing's wrong!" Jeongguk shouts louder this time, making the elder's eyes widen in shock, his big doe eyes trying to find the usual brown orbs he loved so much. Jeongguk hadn't meant to shout, he didn't want to, not at Taehyung. He just felt so... lost. 

"Gukkie-"

"Don't." the younger cut Taehyung off sharply, burying his face in his pillow, stopping himself from looking into Taehyung's eyes. He would do anything if Taehyung was staring at him with those eyes, the ones that make him feel weird things.  _God, why did this hurt so much?_

Taehyung's mind battled with him, yelling at him to leave Jeongguk alone, but he hastily blocked the voice out, sighing sadly as he ruffled the youngster's hair which only made a small tear escape from Jeongguk's eyes again.  _Why does his heart have to beat so fast over something so small?_ Taehyung pulled the younger closer to him, sighing in relief when he finds he was no longer shaking as badly anymore and instead he began to nestle deeper into Taehyung's shoulder. Rubbing his back slowly, Taehyung places his other hand in Jeongguk's hair, smoothing out the matted brown mess. Comforted, Jeongguk buries his nose further into Taehyung's neck, inhaling the intoxicating scent he loved so much, it calms him down almost instantly. He felt grounded, finally. Jeongguk's eyes suddenly felt so heavy and he opens his mouth to speak, only to have a splutter of incoherent words fall out. He could only sluggishly slur some nonsense into Taehyung's shoulder which got even more muffled by his sweater.

"What was that Guk-ah?" Taehyung whispered softly, knowing Jeongguk was drifting to sleep and didn't want to wake him up too much.

"Nothing," He manages to stutter out, the close proximity to his hyung made his cheeks heat up once more especially when he remembers that he's practically naked in Taehyung's arms. Jeongguk sees Taehyung's collar bones stick out of his loose top, the skinship making his insides churn. But he  _loved_ being so close to him. Something he would obviously never admit. He was so close to confessing it hurt.

"You can tell me anything Guk-ah, you know that right?" Taehyung spoke sweetly, almost sadly. When Taehyung didn't receive a reply, he sat up slightly and moved his eyes to Jeongguk's only to see them closed, his mouth partly opened his breathing slow and steady. He fell asleep, clinging to Taehyung neck. The only thing Taehyung could do was move slightly so they were lying down, the younger's arms still wrapped around his neck, his head on his chest. He looked like an angel to Taehyung, perfect in every way. He watched Jeongguk sleep for a while, hand still in his soft, brown hair, playing around with the strands, a loose smile tugged at his lips. Feeling his own eyes drooping, Taehyung let himself be pulled down by sleepiness, eyes fluttering shut. 

This was gonna take a lot of explaining to Namjoon when they woke up in the morning, but he couldn't care less. He had found Jeongguk when he needed him. 

That was all that mattered.


	2. two

** _NIGHTMARE_ **

 

 

Jeongguk wakes to the sound of music echoing around the dorm walls. Groaning, he pries his swollen eyes open only to be greeted by the harsh rays of the sun shining down on him like lasers. He let out another loud groan and was about to roll over, only to find he couldn't move as someone's hands were flung over his waist, shallow breaths breathing into his sensitive neck making him shudder.

Hazy memories appear in his mind, jumbled recollections from what had happened the night before, the pounding in his head worsening rapidly as he thought deeper. Startled by Taehyung, Jeongguk gently tried to pry himself away from the sleeping man next to him.

His heart was beating so fast he thought it would explode from his chest. He would love to stay, snuggle deeper and sleep some more, but he needed to get away, it was unhealthy for him to be so close to Taehyung, the pounding of his heart confirmed it. 

As he tried to sit up, the elder grips onto him in protest, the younger’s forearm slowly turning a white colour from the tight grasp. Jeongguk started to panic when Taehyung stirred in his sleep, not wanting him to awake just yet because of the awkwardness that would follow along with his awakening. And honestly, he wasn't ready for any talking, much less an explanation of what he had a nightmare of last night. Taehyung whined sleepily at the sudden loss of warmth, unintelligible muttering leaving his mouth as he rolled over, clutching a pillow and cuddling it, letting go of Jeongguk’s arm in the process.

_ Cute. _

Heaving out a heavy sigh of relief, Jeongguk slowly slips out of the warm, inviting covers only to have his legs give way and fall from beneath him, his body almost completely collapsed underneath him when a hand quickly grasped his, catching him from falling and holding him up. Taehyung, with his hair still messily spiked everywhere, looked at the younger with so much concern that Jeongguk could only whimper, letting go of Taehyung's arm and slowly sitting on the floor, his eyes clenched shut in pain. Jeongguk felt an instant dizzy spell coat over him, immersing him and making him feel a little drunk. He got up too fast.

Ignoring Tae's worrying questions, Jeongguk gripped the table and raised himself, half running, half limping as fast as he could manage into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. He couldn't stare into Taehyung's eyes, that he swore held countless galaxies, any longer than he did. The butterflies in his stomach threatened to bring up last night's dinner.  _ He was definitely sick. _

He swore that the other members had no respect for him in the mornings, the music they always blasted out to wake everyone up was, yes, necessary, but so irritating. Jeongguk knew ever since last week he had started feeling sick, the constant headaches and a slightly blocked nose indicated this, but he always had ignored when he felt a cold coming on, he rarely had them, and even if the signs were showing, the cold would pass just as quickly as it came. Though if it ever did stay with him, it would mess him up pretty bad. He remembered one time when they first debuted 3 years ago, Jeongguk had caught a cold and he had to stay in bed for almost an entire week.

But now, resting against the cold door, head in his hands, all he could hear was his rapid breathing as he tried to control his heart currently in overdrive. He could hear Taehyung knocking on the door, asking if he was okay but he blocked it out. He knew his fever was getting worse, his vision began to blur and he started panting, his breathing getting weaker.

He backed up to the wall opposite the door, panicking even more at the lack of breath he was receiving. He slid down the wall, his legs giving up on him. Everything became so dizzy that he hardly registered the door opening in front of him. All he could hear was his name being called faintly in the distance.

_ "Hyung."  _ Was all he managed to choke out wheezily before a familiar darkness consumes him.

 

**-**

 

_ "Guk-ah." _

Jeongguk hears his name being called out, but he pays no attention to it. His head hurts too much he feels that as soon as he opens his eyes, his brain will fall out.

"Jeonggukie..."

As the voice got louder, he felt something cold and wet being placed on his forehead, he subconsciously flinched at the coldness, seemingly starting to give him a brain freeze.

"Aish-!" Jeongguk opens his eyes, letting them adjust to the sudden brightness before trying to attempt sitting up, only to be pushed back down, shushed into silence. He doesn’t mind, his entire body feels too heavy to try and argue against the large hands that hold him down. He’s too tired to care.

 

**-**

 

He must have passed out temporarily, as he's tired, and his body feels easily twenty pounds heavier than it did earlier, being surrounded by a thousand pillows felt a little suffocating, but he was too fatigued to protest.

_ "Taehyung?" _ He croaks, blinking quickly to try and see, and his vision clears to see he's still in his room, the curtains drawn all the way back, explaining the sudden brightness that invaded the room. Taehyung is right in front of him on the bed, his eyes are filled with concern, and he immediately relaxes after seeing his face.

"Glad you're awake sleeping beauty," He teases, his husky voice unwinding Jeongguk, causing him to slump deeper in the nest of pillows and blankets. Taehyung's voice is something he could never get used to, he always loved hearing it. It was really music to his ears."How're you feeling?"

Well, his head throbs, the pounding from earlier subsiding just a fraction, and he has to keep blinking quickly to get rid of the fuzziness lingering in his vision. His throat is sore and raspy, but besides that, he feels...okay.

"I'm alright, what happened?" He rasps out, coughing.

He remembers everything up until he blacked out, left unsure of how he got placed in the bed. He assumed Taehyung had carried him, the little thought dusting his cheeks in a soft pink, he could just blame the blush on his fever if questioned. The elder lifts his chin up with the pad of his fingers, placing the cold flannel back on his forehead. Jeongguk can’t help but lean into his touch.

"You passed out," He starts to explain, only to stop whenever Jeongguk coughs, a string of apologies following after which taehyung only waves off. "I carried you to your room, and now here I am being your doctor." Taehyung was almost tempted to say,  _ you are so fucking heavy _ but lets it slide just this once. Taehyung chuckles quietly when he sees the younger’s cheeks turn a darker shade of pink. He chuckles at Jeongguk’s embarrassment, and smiles his famous box smile, finding the younger's reaction adorable.

"You're so cute Guk-ah, even when you’re ill" Taehyung teases and pinches his cheeks, causing a grumpy Jungkook to swat his hands away, watching his cheeks become even pinker.

_ Why are you so irritating,  _ Jeongguk pondered, eyes still fixated on Taehyung, heart beating slightly faster, especially when he didn't want it to.  _ Why does my heart always betray me? _

"Did you just say that I'm irritating?" Taehyung pouts, thinking it would be fun to use his acting skills for once to make the younger guilty.  _ Yeah,  _ Taehyung thinks,  _ that always was such a fun sight to see. _

Jeongguk looks up in surprise.  _ How did he hear that?  _ he thought to himself.

"I heard it because you're speaking your thoughts out loud silly," Taehyung giggles again, the charming sound was like music to Jeongguk’s ears, he wanted to hear it forever.

"I mean, I don't have to nurse you, I could just leave." Taehyung frowned to the best of his ability, slowly standing, ready to leave only to have Jeongguk clutch onto his arm and pull him back down, but this time it was in a more... compromising position. Taehyung hovered over the younger, both legs pinned around his waist. Jeongguk’s eyes shoot open, frozen by how close the elder was to him, temperature rising as Taehyung's breath fans onto his cheeks, tickling him.

At first, the elder is shocked, but he soon regains his composure and smirks, eyes lighting up. Jeongguk swallows a lump in his throat.

"I didn't realise you were like this Kook-ah."

And even though Taehyung was only joking and messing about, hoping to get a kick out of teasing the maknae, the air around them shifted suddenly, becoming undeniably tensed - almost suffocating.

Time seems to have slowed down as Taehyung finds himself slowly leaning down into Jeongguk, mesmerised by the younger's plump lips. They were so close until a shrill of a voice brought them back to their senses.

Face flushed and eyes wide, Jeongguk watches as Taehyung scrambles off of him and goes back to placing the flannel into the lukewarm water next to the bed. Jeongguk couldn’t help but feel confused and defeated. He didn't know what just happened between them, but the awkward air increased considerably, leaving jeongguk to drown in his thoughts, body tensing even more when Seokjin suddenly enters the room carrying a bag full of medicine and drinks.

"Ah, Jeongguk you're awake~" Seokjin cooed, coming closer to the younger. Confusion flashed in his eyes for a moment when he sees how red the younger's face is. Jeongguk sinks so far back into the bed he feels like he'll fall through it, coughing to clear his throat.

"Oh my! Guk your face is so red, is your cold really that bad?" Seokjin pesters Jeongguk in a way a mother would, ignoring the younger’s complaints to leave him alone. He was clearly blushing, but Jungkook guessed he could get away with it, considering how bad his cold is.

"I'm fine hyung." He replied, his voice still raspy, showing the elder a fake smile that Taehyung could only scoff at quietly on the other side of the room.

It's true, Taehyung could easily sense when Jeongguk wasn't okay. They've been extremely close for ages, so much so that they could tell when the other wasn't feeling as great or was having an off day. But recently, he’s noticed him being more... distant than usual. He had no clue as to why. He wasn't going to lie and say it doesn't upset him because it does, a lot more than it should.

Soon enough all the members piled into the room, gathering around the bed as if Jeongguk was dying. He found it utterly ridiculous, wishing they would leave him alone so he could just go back to sleep and forget everything.

"Guys seriously, stop acting like I'm dying, I'm not, so can you please just let me sleep?" Jeongguk pleads seriously, voice coming off a little strong and rude to which he could only shrug at, pointing towards the door lazily, quickly registering a hurt look flash across Taehyung's face before it was replaced with a blank stare.

"Alright, alright everyone," Jimin sang out, ignoring the harsh tone Jungkook used, turning to look at the open door with the thousands of groceries littering the floor. "To the kitchen, I'm a hungry man! Though, why did it take all 5 of us to go shopping?"

"Because the last time one of you guys went shopping, you bought all the wrong things!" Seokjin exclaimed, trying to act mad but miserably failing. 

"You also couldn't  _ possibly _ expect Jimin and hyung to carry everything by themselves? Jimin's  _ so short  _ after all," Yoongi insulted with a smirk, earning small giggles from the older members, Hoseok shuddered when he saw the death glare Jimin gave Yoongi. It was damn scary. He made a mental note not to anger Jimin anymore in the future.

"I'm taller than you! How is that fair?" Jimin shouted, running after Yoongi, picking up a wooden spoon to hit him if he ever caught him. Usually, Jeongguk would laugh along with everyone, but today he really wasn't feeling it, and he felt really,  _ really  _ sick.

He could only sigh in relief when almost everyone had left the room. The quiet atmosphere returned which Jeongguk had enjoyed, sniffling as he buried himself further down into the mountain of pillows and cushions. He tried to sleep, but his brain was still on high alert, thinking back to what would've happened if Seokjin hadn't walked in.

_ Would Taehyung have... kissed him? _

Jeongguk chuckles quietly at his thoughts, finding them more ridiculous than his members.

"You're doing it again," Taehyung informed, slicing through the quietness of the room.

"Doing what?" He replied in confusion, tilting his head to look at Taehyung, not even knowing he was still in the room.

"Staring off into space, scoffing at yourself like you made some stupid joke."

"Huh," the younger responds dumbly, thinking about how perceptive Taehyung really was. It scared him because Taehyung can probably read him like an open book.

When Taehyung was again greeted by silence, he sighed, annoyed at how easily Jeongguk would space out. Taehyung opened the door, brushing against the handle. He was about to close it but before he did, Jeongguk snaps out of whatever headspace he was in, panicking as he tries to think of something that would make the elder stay with him.

In all honesty, he didn't want Taehyung to leave, he always fell asleep better when he was around. This week had been the worst because he was always busy, writing some songs or playing around with the other members. Jeongguk’s heart could only sink at how distant he had been towards his members lately. Guilt instantly consumed him again, making him feel tired and worthless.

He needed Taehyung, even when he shouldn't be near him.

"Hyung wait!" Jeongguk calls out, his voice hoarse from his scratchy throat, making him cough badly.

"Yes, Guk?" Taehyung questions, looking tired as well. But that didn't stop Jeongguk from saying what he was going to. Before he did, the sun, that was setting now, casts a shadow over his body apart from his face, causing his eyes to glint with curiosity. Jeongguk could only slump slightly and exhale. He was shocked at how long he was asleep for, he slept through almost the entire day. Why is it Taehyung that makes him feel so safe? What is it about him?

Oh no.

Why now? Why right now - with a throbbing headache - with no escape, must he get hit with _that_ familiar feeling. That -I-think-I-like-my-best-friend sort of depressing, soul-crushing feeling. Jeongguk supposes he's fully used to it now, the feeling always sat somewhere, deep in his chest, to the left of his rib cage slightly. Taehyung had been busier lately, and it had been harder to ignore, harder to push away. With Taehyung away from him, especially when he was left alone, he was left to dwell on his thoughts, all of his feelings hitting him like a train.

It was as if he was being confronted with it all again for the very first time. It was scary how much he needed Taehyung, and what's worse is that Taehyung, most likely, didn't need him as much. Somewhere, somehow, like now, he'd find himself lost in the glimmer of Taehyung's eyes, the curve of his mouth, the softness of his hands, _ his moles _ . Somewhere, somehow, he was stranded in a place he didn't think he'd ever come back from, one that he didn't think he even  _ wanted  _ to come back from. Perhaps it was his tiredness that made him the most vulnerable, the most likely to break, crack and confess.

His mind, a mess, a war zone was spinning on a loop that not even he could stop.

The only problem, he had no one to talk to about it. 

_ "Canyousingforme?" _ Jeongguk blurts out, not thinking twice about what was spilling from his mouth. He could only slap his hands to his lips, the shock subsiding eventually, leaving him to blush a heavy shade of scarlet.

Taehyung smiles goofily at the younger’s weird behaviour and asked him to repeat what he said, slowly this time, stepping back into the room, reaching for the flannel and sitting back down on the bed. Jeongguk sighs and gives in to the request, eyes nervously scanning around the room.

"Sing to me?" It was such a simple request, but it made Taehyung's heart race all the more. Jeongguk was still fighting the embarrassment, the splashed pink across his cheeks saying it all for him. "Just a little. You really do have a nice voice."

And he thinks Taehyung will laugh at him, make him seem like a fool, but to his astonishment, no laughing came. He still refused to open his eyes though. His heart almost jumped out of his chest when warm fingers touched his cheeks, opening his eyes he faced a soft-eyed Taehyung staring at him with so much compassion he thought he would combust right there and then. Taehyung's voice, whenever he sang, (how could he forget?) was rich and deep, thick with emotion. His voice possessed so much soulfulness, it was perfect to lull him to sleep. He just really loved his voice.

"Of course Gukkie."

And there was the feeling, strong and alive. His heart was beating so fast, all he could do was sniffle to stop himself from crying. He hated this feeling and not speak about it. But he didn't want to ruin his friendships and the future of Bangtan if people happened to find out the way he feels for Taehyung. Maybe it’s nothing, maybe it’s something. But he will try his best to repress it.

Taehyung climbs into the bed, moving the younger's head gently to rest on the upper part of his chest, in which Jeongguk automatically snuggles into the softness of Taehyung’s body.

"What do you want me to sing?" He asks, busying his hands in Jeongguk's hair, relishing in the softness of it. This had become a habit the two were both so accustomed to at this point. Initially, he had found it a little annoying, ticklish even, but by now, he found it soothing and comforting. He couldn't tell if it was the act of fingers threading through his hair or the fact that Kim Taehyung was the owner of said fingers, that he had grown to love the sensation.

"Anything," Jeongguk whispers, purring quietly as Taehyung continued to work his fingers through his hair "I don't mind."

Soon enough, Taehyung's deep voice slowly filled the room, Jeongguk recognised the song to be 'hold me tight' - the song that Taehyung had produced by himself. It makes Jeongguk feel warm, smiling immediately when he thinks back to when Taehyung rushed back to the dorm at some early time in the morning, eyes wide with excitement, so proud of himself because one of the songs he had produced was going to be on an album.  

It was a goal of his, to produce a song by himself. Jeongguk was so proud of him, and became easily excited too, everyone was. Taehyung had that effect on people.

With Taehyung's soothing voice all he could hear, Jeongguk couldn't help but hum in content, eyes fluttering shut. His muscles still ached but he felt as if he was being healed by Taehyung's song, his worries slipping away. Taehyung sang as softly as he could and Jeongguk felt his stomach clench at the tenderness in his voice. He sniffles quietly. It breaks his heart when Taehyung occasionally falls into those periods when he doesn't sign with confidence.

_ "I don't sound as good as you, Jeonggukie" _ he would murmur, the frown evident on his face, but is all too quick to replace it with his bright smile,  _ "You're the best!"  _ And although his heart flutters at the compliment, it also clenches at how his precious, beautiful Taehyung puts himself down.

He wishes the other wouldn't believe his negative thoughts so much. Jeongguk really does wish more people could hear Taehyung sing. Because when the elder does start to sing, his entire body suddenly fills with warmth. Taehyung sings with his voice soulful, rich, deep and so  _ so  _ smooth. Sure, Jeongguk might be a tiny, little bit biased, but Taehyung doesn't sound bad at all, even considerately. When Taehyung's voice evens out, leaving a serene calmness to the room, he had looked down to find a lovable, half asleep Jeongguk curled up in his arms. "Guk?" he whispers, hands still in his hair, all puffed up and fluffy from pressing against Taehyung.

"Mmhm," The younger responds, mumbling in his slumber, leaning instinctively more into Taehyung’s torso.

Taehyung hums back, manoeuvring an arm around Jeongguk's neck. His fingers work busily through his hair again. The latter sighs in contentment, head craning further in the direction of Taehyung's shoulder, a small smile playing on his lips. Taehyung's fingers move slowly to trace lines down the nape of his neck, soothing away the tension he finds resting there.

Taehyung stays lying there as Jeongguk falls asleep to the elder’s heartbeat, legs intertwined. He doesn’t have the heart to move away and leave him, so he gets as comfortable as he can, draping the duvet back over them and snuggles down, chests rising and falling together in a matched rhythm before he falls into a deep slumber.

 


	3. three

**_NIGHTMARE_ **

 

 

 ****Jeongguk has never been good with...feelings. To his defence, he's young and inexperienced. He only joined BigHit when he was at the prime age of fifteen, barely breaching puberty so affection and attraction were seemingly lost to him. He loves his members, how could he not, but it was on more of a spiritually brotherly level. Taehyung, however, things are different when they come to him, and Jeongguk guesses it would take more than an age to figure out his feelings towards the older boy.

They've always been close, even though the younger was a whole two years older than him, there had never been any walls built between them. Taehyung is too open, too endearing. Jeongguk has never seen such an interesting, eccentric, and unique person like Taehyung. Behind his tantalizing eyes and rude tongue lies someones who is totally naive, funny, down-to-earth, and very carefree. Taehyung moods show with every action, smile as big as the moon, as bright as the sun. His heart was as big as two universes added together. Jeongguk, on the other hand, is more prone to be silent, private and reserved. He had never been given the chance to figure out who 'Jeongguk' truly is. He has his shining moments, different parts of his personalities slipping out when he's tired, or in a great mood. The others tease him, lovingly, but Taehyung embraces whoever the younger is at any given moment with open arms and a wide smile. Taehyung joins his antics, makes them laugh until they can't breathe. Taehyung makes him feel special and warm. 

Taehyung. If Jeongguk was to describe him as a person, he would just be _warm_. That's just how he sees him. That's how Jeongguk...feels when he sees the elder. Taehyung is warm and kind and generous. He's genuine, sees the world through a special perspective that no one can quite understand, his own unique views evident in every thought and action. He gets teased more than Jeongguk does, for the way he is, though Taehyung manages to hide any negativity he feels expertly. Taehyung's smile is the one thing Jeongguk always searches for, something he never wants to lose. 

So when he hears news about Taehyung going on the first episode of Flower Boy Bromance, he gets this weird simmering ache in his chest. He can't explain the feeling. It only increases the more Taehyung goes on about it, exceedingly excited about his little 'date' with Kim Minjae. Jeongguk can't stop the frown that tugs down his lips and small grumbles whenever the subject is mentioned. He feels guilty when he finds Taehyung looking at him with concerned eyes, following his every move. 

Taehyung tries, of course, to understand why the younger is feeling this way, and Jeongguk can feel the burden of questions that go unanswered. If he was to be asked what he feels now, it would be  _cold._

_just cold._

**-**

It's just after ten when Taehyung is taken into a car with their manager, Sejin. Jeongguk says his goodbye with a timid wave, trying his best to relieve the heavy feeling weighing his chest down. Even the members noticed how deflated Jeongguk looked, and tried their best to cheer him up, but to no avail, it didn't work. 

Around half an hour after that, judging by the numerous texts and photos Taehyung sends into the BTS group chat, Jeongguk can tell Taehyung is having a lot of fun. He's happy for him, really, they hardly get to go out and see friends, it's been around two and a half years since Taehyung had last hung out with someone like this. But as soon as Jeongguk sees the photos of Taehyung's boxy smile and crinkled eyes, the nauseous feeling hits him again, stronger this time. 

Jealousy? Is that what he's feeling? He doesn't even understand what he has to be jealous of. He's not jealous of Taehyung, he's happy for his friend. Taehyung had been so buzzed to go out, and he would never want to take that away from him.  Kim Minjae? Is Jeongguk jealous of that guy? No way. He's met Minjae, he likes Minjae. He's just another celebrity friend they bump into at award shows now again. Sure, Taehyung happens to message him a lot, always talk to him when their schedules overlap. But there was no need to be jealous over that. 

"I'm not jealous," Jeongguk says in the mirror, but as soon as the words leave his mouth, even he doesn't quite believe it.

**-**

It's when he finishes another episode of some old K-Drama re-run that he realised he's  _oh so very jealous._

He's sent Taehyung plenty of clingy texts, asking when he would be home knowing full well that the elder wouldn't be looking at his phone. He would start cringing at the amount, but he's so far in his head that he's just blankly staring into space. He begins to scratch his neck harshly, growing more agitated by the second. He can admit he's jealous, but he still doesn't know what made him grow more envious in the first place. In a split second decision, clock turning quarter past two, he decides to call Taehyung. He knows there is a high chance the older wouldn't pick up, but he doesn't care, he just wishes and prays that Taehyung answers his phone.

On the third ring, Taehyung picks up. 

 _"Hello?"_  Taehyung asks confusedly, sighing when he doesn't get an immediate response.

Jeongguk suddenly forgets how to speak. 

  _"Yah- we're just about to start filming again, what's up?"_

"What are you up to right now?" Jeongguk inquires, wincing at how he sounds like an interrogator. Taehyung, luckily, doesn't seem phased.

_"Me? We're just-"_

"What time will you get back?" Jeongguk bites his bottom lip, guilty that he cut Taehyung off so abruptly. 

_"I'll probably get home around three..."_

Jeongguk panics, quickly thinking of something to say. "I want to cuddle, so get home quickly alright?" _He wants to facepalm._

 _"Yeah? Okay?"_  Came Taehyung's confused reply. 

 _Way to go_ , _idiot_ , he curses at himself.He can tell Taehyung's time on the phone is limited as he hears Minjae's voice cut through the phone, asking him where he was. Feeling agitated and antsy, Jeongguk says a quick goodbye and hangs up before Taehyung could get a word in.

 

**-**

When Taehyung gets home, Jeongguk hides.

The elder's voice rings out through the entire dorm, Jeongguk can hear him reciting all the amazing things that happened on his 'date.' Jeongguk doesn't feel as angry anymore, but there is still a lump in his throat and his lips are tightly pursed together. He rarely sees that much of Namjoon these days as he's always in the studio working on some things for their next album. Tonight he's relieved he gets the room all to himself as he stares at the wall with no one to bother him and ask him questions. 

But the more he hears Taehyung's voice, the more his last thread of patience wears thin. He decides it's better to keep himself hidden away because he knows he'll snap if Taehyung were to come into his room and talk about Minjae for the next few hours. No matter how badly his heartaches and stomach churns, he ignores the knocks at his door and pretends to sleep. When the door opens and Taehyung enters with heavy steps. Jeongguk squeezes his eyes shut, hoping Taehyung leaves. 

He does, eventually. 

Jeongguk notices It's the first time in weeks they had slept in separate rooms. 

**-**

 

**PHOTOSHOOT PROMO**

 

Taehyung had been waiting for this moment all his life.

He's always wanted to be an actor, even if the role was something small, he had dreamt to at least debut as an actor. His wish had finally come true. He had been told today that he was confirmed to be apart of the new drama, Hwarang. Everyone had gathered around him celebrating, clearly proud of him. Jeongguk even manages to give him a little smile, but the little effort didn't go unnoticed by Taehyung. 

They all get pile into the van, being told they were doing another photo shoot for an online article. After waking up from his not so restful rest, Taehyung keeps to himself all the way to the shooting location. He stayed quiet throughout breakfast, despite being told the good news, stayed quiet in the car on the way, pressed between Hoseok and the window. The location they're shooting at is an hour or two away from Seoul, just on the outskirts, in a small, rural town. An abandoned subway terminal or something like that. At this point, Taehyung is fed up with train tracks. 

Jeongguk doesn't necessarily avoid him, but he makes no move to speak to him either. It hurts him, plunged into anxiety as he thinks back to what he must have done wrong. Even the others look at him weirdly when he stays silent, sending them small smiles that never quite reach his eyes. Taehyung's tired from yesterday's events, but he continues to slave away for the entire day, busying himself with work. He was hurt that Jungkook didn't seem as interested as everyone else. 

The last time Jungkook was like this, was a month ago. Taehyung still worries now and again, always sacrificing his sleep just in case the younger stumbles into his room because of his nightmares. They had been a little...awkward for a while, but that soon passed and the younger seemed to return to his normal self. Taehyung unwillingly gives the boy his distance. He just wants to know what he did wrong. Did he even do anything wrong? 

Taehyung dozes off during hair and makeup, striking up a conversation with the stylists. He stumbles into his clothes. They're comfortable, at least, casual enough that he doesn't feel stiff. He likes the casual, feeling at ease. They all do individual shoots at first, and Jeongguk volunteers to go first, wanting nothing more than to find a quiet, comfortable place to rest. 

He still doesn't acknowledge Taehyung, who was staring straight at him. By now, Taehyung would've walked up to the younger and asked him what was wrong, but he couldn't bring himself too. He's mildly irritated himself, not knowing where he even went wrong. It frustrated him, so he leaves Jeongguk alone. 

He decides he'd wait for the younger to snap out of whatever was bothering him and rightfully apologise.

**-**

Jeongguk manages to snag himself a plastic chair from where the food trucks are setting up, carrying it to a room not far off from the set. He makes sure a manager sees where he's heading before he plops down the chair and sits down, covering himself with one of the fleece blankets he'd also managed to find. He lets his head rest against the cold, concrete wall, careful not to mess up his hair too much and lets the plastic cup of coffee warm up his frozen hands. He wonders where Taehyung is, wonders if he hates him now. 

He's not dozing off, he's just sort of spacing out when Namjoon sits next to him, huffing as he takes a random chair from somewhere else and places it next to the maknae, grumbling something about sharing the blanket. Jeongguk tosses the blanket over both of their shoulders. He gladly accepts the hot pack thrown to him and snorts when he sees Namjoon putting one down his shirt. 

"Hyung," He begins, laughing, "It's not _that_ cold," 

"Speak for yourself Guk," Namjoon sighs happily and doesn't say anything else, just curls up and sips generously from his own cup. Namjoon was quiet for so long when he speaks again, it jerks Jeongguk from his thoughts. 

Namjoon quirks a brow. "What's up with you and Taehyung then?" 

Jeongguk eyes widen, but he regains composure. "Nothing." 

"Nothing?"

Jeongguk turns to face the elder, meeting his eyes and frowns. "Nothing's wrong." 

"You're avoiding him," It sounds more like an announcement than a declaration. 

"I...I know," Jeongguk responds softly, not sure what else to say. He sucks at lying, there'd be no point in trying to wiggle himself out of this one. He already feels terrible.  

"So what are you going to do to fix it?" Jeongguk can tell by the tone of Namjoon's voice he's a little annoyed. He doesn't understand. 

"Don't worry, I'm going to apologise and everything. I just...I don't.." Jeongguk sighs defeated and Namjoon pats his knee, the 'elders' version of a bro-hug. 

Namjoon searches the younger's face. "I can't believe you're distancing yourself from him though, I thought you were too in love with that kid," 

Jeongguk brushes off his words, letting the shame swallow him up. He made Taehyung sad, in the end, he ruined his fun. He scrunches up his nose and admits what he still doesn't understand. "I think...I think I'm jealous. But I don't know what of."

"Well, you better figure that out soon kid." Namjoon smiles and stands, stretching and yawning. "We better get back out there, the group photos have probably already started." Namjoon smiles kindly, and Jeongguk gives one back. 

 

**-**

 

The group photos go smoothly enough, Jeongguk still keeps his distance, but Taehyung is smiling. The younger feels a little better, admittedly, after talking to Namjoon. He needed to get things off his chest, and now all he feels is swarming guilt. The shame of hurting Taehyung is still there, thrumming through his veins like a sickness, but he knows Taehyung will let him apologize. 

It's after dark when they make it back in Seoul, the ride home had been eerily quiet, the day's events wearing everyone out. They eat a quick dinner on the floor of the practice room and go through a few rounds of new choreography, careful not to overdo it seeing as they have promotions to go through soon. They're used to all of this by now though, so it's not as hard to get through anymore. Hoseok is the first to dash out of the room, calling dibs on the shower, making Seokjin grumble, shouting 'That's not fair Hobi!' as he chases him back to the dorm. Jimin and Taehyung follow after them. 

Taehyung still doesn't look at him. 

Just as the remaining three of them leave the humid studio, Yoongi stops him with a hand to the shoulder. Jeongguk pauses, letting Namjoon walk past him, and he turns, looking Yoongi in the eye. "I don't know what happened," Yoongi states, "But do I need to do anything?" 

"No, Hyung." Jeongguk shakes his head, smiling at him. "I'm gonna take care of it." Yoongi returns the smile, accompanied by a nod, and they leave the studio. He'd never needed many words with Yoongi, they both had a mutual respect for each other, an unspoken trust. Jungkook intends to fix what he's screwed up with Taehyung on his own because it's his own responsibility. Knowing Yoongi and Namjoon have his back though, makes him a little more confident. 

Jeongguk ends up showering last, the water a little less than lukewarm. He doesn't mind though, he's been used to the tepid water since debut, always being the last one in the shower. He showers in what he believes to be the quickest he ever has done before, five minutes at most, quickly getting dressed, skin damp and hair wet. The dorm is mostly quiet, Namjoon propped up on the bed with a book, sending a thumbs up to Jeongguk that makes them both chuckle quietly. He can hear murmuring from the kitchen, so he assumes everyone else is in there, the faint clinking sound of dishes echoing down the hall. Jeongguk heads straight for Taehyung's room, slipping through the crack in the door. 

The elder is propped up on a pillow, phone in hand, not noticing the younger who had just walked in. Jeongguk clears his throat, trying to stop the shakiness of his hands as he waits until Taehyung looks at him before he speaks. "Can we talk?" He tries to make his voice louder, but it only comes out in a small whisper. 

"Mmm," Taehyung shrugs, placing his phone on the table next to him and shuffling backwards, opening up the duvet which Jeongguk takes as an invitation to climb inside, clenching his teeth as he goes from the sudden coldness of the room to the warmness of the sheets. He sighs and turns to lie on his side, Taehyung already facing him. In this position, he could see Taehyung's eyes, big and round as he watches him expectantly, can count all of his moles, can see every detail of Taehyung's angled, handsome face. He can count every long eyelash, see every faint freckle. Jeongguk shivers, but it has nothing to do with the cold. 

"I'm sorry," He finally says, meeting Taehyung's eyes. His voice comes out a little too soft, so he tries again. "I'm sorry... I don't know why I avoided you, and I ruined a perfectly happy day for you because I couldn't...I was..." Jeongguk feels like crying because he can't get the right words out. Like he said, he sucks at  _feelings._

"You were upset." Taehyung reminds him, the blank expression he receives not helping the younger to get his words out faster, not helping him understand his feelings. 

Jeongguk nods, sniffling. "I was, yeah. But that's not a good enough excuse for ignoring you." 

"Nope," Taehyung agrees, voice monotone. 

They fall silent, Jeongguk staring at Taehyung- who, in turn, stares back at him. Every painfully slow second that ticks by has Jeongguk's hand shaking, even more, nervousness taking up every core of him. After a few more minutes, Taehyung takes Jeongguk's hand with a small smile and holds it, using his other warm fingers to brush the younger's hair out of his eyes. Jeongguk's shoulders sag with relief. 

"We're okay now, Guk, thank you for apologising." 

Jeongguk doesn't trust his voice so he just nods, savouring the sensation of Taehyung's hand in his hair, playing with the strands. "Let's go to sleep, hmm?" Taehyung continues, nose wrinkling from a yawn. He blinks sleepily, smiling widely and Jeongguk thinks its the most heartachingly beautiful thing he's ever seen. 

The elder rolls over and Jeongguk immediately scoots over, snuggling up to his back, throwing an arm loosely across his torso. Nothing can explain the calmness he feels when he lies next to Taehyung like this. Nothing compares to the feeling of holding him. He brushes his nose at the base of Taehyung's freshly washed hair and listens to Taehyung sighing in pure contentment.

 He loves these little moments. Namjoon's voice rings in his head through the fog of hazy-sleep,  _"I thought you were too in love with that kid."_

Jeongguk jerks up with a gasp, earning an irritated groan from Taehyung. He apologises quickly and lies back down, his brain now fully awake, buzzing with so many thoughts and feelings. He thinks about the words a little more, feels the thudding of his heartbeat in his own ears and he hopes Taehyung doesn't hear it too through the thin layer of two t-shirts because-

_"I thought you were too in love with that kid."_

_oh no._ Jungkook thinks. _Oh no, no, nononono._


	4. four

**_NIGHTMARE_ **

 

 

It was the day before they release the 'Young Forever' MV, and Jeongguk began to get increasingly worried. He was always worried.

Since the recent rising in popularity, they had to be careful and critical, and for Jeongguk, he puts more pressure on himself, of course. He always worries before comebacks, hoping that dance moves were nailed, his singing was on point and everything was perfect. The more pressure he puts on himself, the more nights he loses sleep because he's in the dance room for hours on end. Everything seems to be piling up at once, adding more and more weight on his drooping shoulders. Comebacks are hard, they always have been. The worst part is, promotions have already started, meaning he would only get little amounts of rest for the next few weeks. 

Not to mention one thing he would never admit to the world, how he lays awake at night, hating himself for his thoughts, telling himself better ways to act as if he's not completely in love with Taehyung. He wants no one to notices, he prays no one does. He's paranoid, a troubled mess. He doesn't want Taehyung noticing either, that would be disastrous. However, he's good at hiding his worries, so that lets him ease up a bit. Jeongguk doesn't even realise a tear slipping down his cheeks, he doesn't know how it turns from one to thousands, running down like a waterfall. He doesn't realise himself trying to keep his sobs in.

He doesn't even hear his door opening. 

Taehyung walks in, engrossed in his phone, about to tell the younger that he had beat his score on this stupid game they had been obsessed over. He immediately stopped in his tracks after he heard, what sounded like, a small sob come from the younger. Taehyung looks up straight away, wide-eyed. The first thing he saw was Jeongguk sat up, his knees tucked into his chest. He looked so lost in the middle of his bed, the duvet hastily kicked away before, leaving him with only the pillows.

"Oh, Guk." Taehyung sighs sadly, walking up to the younger who hasn't registered Taehyung even sitting down next to him. Gingerly, he placed a hand on Jeongguk's shoulder, the younger flinching in shock at the sudden touch. He looked into Taehyung's eyes briefly before quickly averting his gaze to the other side of the room. In the dim light, Taehyung could see the tracks of previous tears wetting his cheek. He saw the ever darkening bags resting under his eyelids.

Taehyung understands. 

Jeongguk's eyelashes were clumped together due to his tears, and Taehyung would be lying if he said he didn't love the way his tears brightened up his eyes. If he didn't know any better, he would have thought the light in the younger's eyes were actually a reflection of the stars in the night sky. He felt the breath knocked out of his lungs when he saw another tear roll down his cheek. The trail of tears, like pure crystals against his porcelain skin and Taehyung, wished the younger wasn't sad. 

"Gukkie, what's wrong?" Taehyung asks sweetly, pulling Jeongguk into his lap. The younger didn't protest, letting himself fall into his Hyung's arms. One thing Jeongguk loves about Taehyung is how squishy he is, like a perfect, human pillow. 

And he wants to tell Taehyung everything, but he doesn't want to burden Taehyung with his pathetic feelings, that would only bring him down into a gloomy mood too, and he didn't want to be the cause of Taehyung wearing a frown. He wouldn't be that selfish. He can see the eagerness to help in Taehyung's eyes. He can see it all but he just can't say it. He refuses to. He will ruin everything. He wished those eyes weren't so gorgeous, so enticing. He wished that they didn't make him feel some type of way. He wished he didn't have to be so  _in love._

He was as angry and frustrated with himself again, his hands balled into little fists down by his side. Taehyung, upon seeing this, slowly unravelled the younger's hands and held them in his own, hissing at the coldness, in contrast to his warm ones. Jeongguk, on the other hand, could only feel his heartbeat speed up at the small action. He knows his hands are probably clammy from being so panicky, but Taehyung either doesn't seem to notice or doesn't care as he only makes a sigh of happiness, as if holding Jeongguk's hands makes him feel at peace, makes him feel like the younger won't slip away from him. 

Jeongguk thinks Taehyung's hands are beautiful. And they're warm. Taehyung's fingers are so strong and long yet still slender and pretty. He couldn't help but feel their hands were made to fit in each other.  _Is this what love really feels like?_ Taehyung still doesn't let go of his hands, even when his sniffling and tears have come to a stop. He knew he couldn't keep avoiding the older, he knew it when he first did it, all it ever did was hurt them both. He knew his Hyungs needed answers to why he was so withdrawn and secretive these days. He owed it to Taehyung to tell him the truth.

Jeongguk looked his hyung in the eye, one of the worst things he could do nowadays, and the time just seemed to slow.

"Will you tell me what's wrong now Jeonggukie?" Taehyung sympathized, smoothing his thumb around the surface of the younger's palm. 

"I'm just...worried, that's all," Jeongguk took his hands from Taehyung, already regretting the decision, taking them back to fiddle with the skin around his nail, a nervous habit. He misses the hurt that flashes quickly in Taehyung's eyes, almost as if it was never there. Jeongguk was already regretting the decision as the wind from the opened window starts to nip and bite at his fingertips again, hands starting to quiver. Though he still didn't know if it was because of the coldness or the anxiety.

"Guk-ah come  _on."_ Taehyung scoffed.

"What?" Jeongguk grumbles under his breath.Taehyung cupped his cheeks and Jeongguk's breath hitches, pink dusting his cheeks. He can feel himself slowly giving in to Taehyung's chocolate caramel eyes. 

"You'll...hate me," He says, eventually. "Everyone will."

"What do you mean hate?" Taehyung asked incredulously, brows drawing together. 

Jeongguk ignores his question and stares at the floor. The moon streams in through the small gap in the curtain. It reminds him of a few months ago when they were both in a similar situation. Things seemed so much simpler then.

"Jeongguk, can you tell me what you're really like this? Can't you tell me the truth?"

"I _can't_  hyung!" Jeonggup snaps, tone a lot louder and sharper than before. He watches as Taehyung bites his lips at his sudden outburst, recoiling just a little. Jeongguk feels guilty and useless. "I _can't_ hyung, I'm sorry." Jungkook's voice cracks, one single tear dripping down his face, which Taehyung swipes away speedily with his thumb.

"I'm not going to force you to tell me anything, I just wished you trusted me enough to not go through this alone," Taehyung sighs and begins to lie down, pulling Jeongguk further up into Taehyung's arms, the steady warmth making the younger feel satisfied. He can feel the tips of his ears slowly getting hotter, his cheeks doing the same. He's sure they would be a pretty rose pink colour by now.

"I'm here for you Guk, all the hyung's are. We need to know the problem to fix it. Just... tell us soon, okay?" Taehyung begins to rub a hand up and down the maknae's back, and Jeongguk can't explain how much he needed this, how much he loved Taehyung's hands on him as if he was telling him he was not going to leave. He liked how hard his hyung was holding on as if he never wanted to lose him. They had never cuddled like this before.

Feebly nodding, Jeongguk swallows down all the guilt he feels like he was stuffing it into a suitcase and putting tons of padlocks on it, throwing it to the furthest point in the back of his mind. Jeongguk matches Taehyung's breathing, helping him to fall asleep. 

When Taehyung could see the younger's shoulders start to sag and his breathing becoming steady, he grabs the duvet and covers themselves with it, careful not to move too much so Jeongguk wouldn't wake up. Taehyung's couldn't help but smile softly seeing his maknae in such a peaceful sleep. It set a warm fire starting in the pit of his stomach, and without really thinking, he kissed his forehead which earned a slight whine from the other, who stirred slightly in his sleep, the ghost of a smile dancing on the edge of his lips.

Taehyung would get the truth from him soon, but for now, he had hoped the younger had gained enough sleep from what he must have lost recently, the worry lifting from his shoulders as he sees his face gain back it's rosy complexion.  _An angel,_ Taehyung thought.

_my angel._


	5. five

_** NIGHTMARE ** _

 

Days flew past quickly. _Too quickly_ for Jeongguk's liking.

2 of their MV's they had worked hard on, FIRE and YOUNG FOREVER had been released to their fans, alongside their album and thing were looking good so far. They had received a lot of love from Twitter about recent events, the members sharing some laughs at how the fans seemed to be having 'mental breakdowns' as Namjoon had translated. All in all, things were steady.

**-**

 

Despite distancing himself from Taehyung, Jeongguk's heart still aches for the elder to be close to him, a part of his heart that he could never escape from. Maybe that was okay. 

He missed his hyung, and he would happily admit that. Going from having such an influential presence by his side for so long to have no one, it takes its toll. All Jeongguk wanted was for his stupid feelings to go away and leave him alone, so he could return without the heartache that resides deep within him whenever he looks at the elder. he just wants to have a normal conversation with him without feeling jealous or sad whenever Taehyung focuses his attention on someone else. He wants to not find taehyung so beautiful and unique that all he wants to do is kiss him, pin him down and take him. He doesn't want to find him so intelligent and all-around perfect. he wants to not stare into his deep pools that are his eyes and get lost for hours. He wanted to be close to Taehyung and not have to worry about how red his cheeks were getting, or how fast and loud his heart beats whenever he touches him or looks at him with such intensity it makes him breathless.

Jeongguk's jaw clenches. 

And he knows how everyone worries, especially over him lately. He wanted to say he was fine, but he really wasn't, and he didn't know who would leave him or abandon him when he outs the truth. Thankfully Taehyung hasn't said anything, and he is internally grateful for that. He hoped he understood that he wasn't ready yet. Instead, when they talk it's accompanied with a thick, uncomfortable silence that surrounds them, and Jeongguk always feels like he's going to throw up, a tingly, painful sensation building in his heart.

And Taehyung always wants to say something, desperately wracking his brain to come up with anything that could put whatever he was feeling into words, but came up with nothing which only grew his frustrations. Taehyung was more confused than anything else. Jeongguk can always sense Taehyung's anger at unanswered questions, but Jeongguk just didn't want to answer. He felt a sense of deja vu and he wondered where it came from.  _His nightmares?_ Taehyung's face normally has a concrete expression of blankness, his eyebrows were still furrowed like he was concentrating on a really difficult math equation whenever Jeongguk entered the room. 

Jeongguk snaps from his thoughts when the door to his room opens and Yoongi's head peeks through the crack, letting himself in. He's confused as to why Yoongi suddenly is coming to speak with him, but he doesn't mind the company.

"I hope you don't mind me coming here, but we need to talk,"

"It's fine Hyung," Jungkook breathes out, heart spiking at the choice of words and Yoongi's serious expression, moving so he sits up a little, whimpering when his back hits the edge of the bed. He tried his best to block out the slight shock he received in his upper and lower back. It ached, quite terribly from the extra hours put into dance practice but Jungkook just swats Yoongi's hands away whenever they came to help him.

"Oi, stop being such a stubborn brat and let me help you." Jeongguk sighs, giving in and letting his hyung straighten his pillows and gives ice pack for the swelling he sees on his back.

"Jungkook can I ask why you're so... antsy? Around Taehyung?" Spluttering at the abruptness of the question, Jeongguk looks away from Yoongi. He gulps, trying to get rid of the sudden dryness in his mouth. 

"I don't know what you're on about." Jeongguk cringes, voice going significantly higher at the end of his sentence.  _Don't panic, he isn't going to figure it out._

"Jeongguk" Yoongi stares the younger down, his hand resting on his shoulder lightly, not wanting to hurt him. Jeongguk knows he should stop running from it all.

"Did you and Taehyung have another fight? Do you need me to talk to him?"

Jeongguk gulps again and stammers out a fast "No!" startling Yoongi. The younger instantly reached out for his hyung, deciding to lower his tone. Jeongguk breathes out shakily and runs a hand through his hair. "Uh no, It's," he starts, but doesn't find the right words to say what he wants to. "We didn't have a fight hyung. I'm... I'm just...ah...don't worry."

Yoongi doesn't seem convinced, but he gave his shoulder a little squeeze, only enough to hurt him a little, and Yoongi laughs at the failed threatening look Jeongguk tries to give him. But he knew his hyung was only playing around, his eyes saying something along the eyes of,  _'It's okay, you can rely on_ _me.'_

"Are you sure? Because it's really weird to not see you two... joined together at the hip, or not talking constantly."

"I know, I know but It's just... complicated I guess?" Jeongguk tries again, getting his words together to explain himself. He's glad Yoongi knows when to stop prying, nodding along to his words.

"Okay," he says, patting the younger's head to try and give him some comfort, "Alright."

Yoongi the proceeds to get up to leave, muttering under his breath as he turns around again, scratching the back of his neck, "But you know, if you ever need help come and talk to me, okay?"

Jeongguk gives him a small smile. "Will do hyung." 

**-**

 

Jeongguk spends the rest of the day deep in his thoughts. He tried to analyse the situation as much as he could, come up with any answers, but he reached no conclusion. He hadn't even realised he was starting to put space between him and everyone. 

Recently he was coming back to the dorm at ridiculous times in the morning, which is nothing new to anyone, wanting some peace and quiet so he could be left to deal with his puzzling observations. He watches as Taehyung still gets as close to the younger as he can, always tells him random jokes and saying words of encouragement whenever he had the chance. Taehyung had even managed to tell him about the night of when he went to shoot the Flower Boy Bromance months back, talking about how much fun he had. What Taehyung didn't know was that he had already watched the episode when it aired, sitting there with a clenched jaw and fingers tapping on his knee. He politely forced himself to listen to Taehyung ramble on and on in detail, hoping the smile he gives him doesn't seem so forced. 

He can't help but be jealous. 

It gets a problem when he sees Taehyung with Hoseok, he loves his hoseok-hyung, but they are both so touchy with each other, it always makes jeongguk look on in irritation, trying to not let his emotions show. It's difficult, but with some practice, he grows to accept it. Taehyung never seems to notice the way Jeongguk looks at him, the way the younger hates seeing him so intimate with someone else. Jeongguk only realises now that maybe the spark of something he felt all those times all those years ago, was jealousy. He had felt this way all along. It scares him a lot more than he should, so he gradually retracts himself further and further away from the members. He tries to be as discreet as possible, and it seems to work. No one's suspicious at the moment. At least, that's what he thinks. 

He continues to stay up nights on end, practising and practising until the choreography was burned on the inside of his eyelids, mapped on the heel of his feet. His body could remember everything flawlessly, but that doesn't mean he stops there, he knew they had a concert looming closer and closer anyway, so the timing of Jeongguk practising everything was perfect.

Every day that rolled by, Jeongguk eventually began to lose sleep, tossing and turning as his body lies awake, despite the face it always felt so drained. He still couldn't bring himself to stop practising, stop avoiding what he knew he shouldn't be avoiding. Technically it wasn't that big of a deal in the long run. He knew himself he should get a grip and just mend the situation and just suck up all his feelings. He knew it all yet he couldn't bring himself to do anything about it, every time he just felt nauseated.  

He needs to sleep, especially seeing as the concert was a couple of days away. They needed to do rehearsals and all sorts, and Jeongguk needed the extra hours of energy to get through it all without fainting. When the morning sun starts to rise and the birds start happily chirping he comes to a stop. His limbs are sore from extortion and he is left panting, desperately trying to gulp in the air like a fish out of water so he wouldn't pass out. He's drenched in sweat, clothes sticking uncomfortably to him. 

_ Jeongguk just lies on the laminate flooring and likes to think he isn't in love. Likes to believe he doesn't feel anything when he thinks of the older male. Maybe he was just simply confused and his brain started to make him feel things he truly doesn't. He just needed comfort, that's it. He needed comfort and got overwhelmed with his feelings. Jeongguk likes to think he isn't in love, but he can't even kid himself for more than a few minutes. _

 

**-**

 

Taehyung was beyond frustrated by this point, always finding the younger at times when he was most busy. At vocal practice, dance practice, or when he was sleeping. Taehyung knew Jungkook was not-so-subtly distancing himself from him. He just wanted to talk some things out with the younger, but he can never get a moment alone that's long enough to talk with him. Again, he's left to wonder what he did wrong. In fact, he even tried the day before yesterday, they were the last two in the kitchen, and Taehyung managed to grab him before he left.

 _"guk-ah, wait_ _!"_

_startles, he turns around, eyes the size of saucers as he sees taehyung approaching him, a determined glint in his eye. jeongguk swallows the lump beginning to form, his heart pounding in his chest._

_"i'm just gonna get straight to the point," taehyung sighs, grabbing hold of his arm so he knows the younger wouldn't just run away from him like usual. "have I done something wrong?"_

_jeongguk hates seeing taehyung upset, especially when he knows he's the cause of his sadness. god, he hates this._ _"no hyung," he starts, reassuring him, "really you haven't, i just need some alone time to think things through. please don't think you've done something wrong because you haven't, I'm just...conf-uh... nevermind...i think i'm just gonna go to bed, night hyung." jeongguk rambles, trying to get his wrist from taehyung's fingers but having no such luck._

 _"what is there to figure out Guk? you're making no sense," t_ _aehyung sighs and deflates. taehyung is left with even more questions. gosh, this was driving him crazy._  

_"I can't t-"_

_"let me guess," taehyung cuts him off, scoffing, "you can't tell me."_

_"i'm sorry," jeongguk says, eyes closing before he pulls his arm away with force and goes to his room, locking the door behind him._

 

But after all these years, Taehyung knew Jeongguk the best and knew of how he dealt with uncomfortable situations such as this one, avoidance. It was a classic Jeongguk move. And this was a very obvious situation where the younger would rather disappear from the face of the earth than face at all. Taehyung knows that all too well. Jeongguk is just terrified that Taehyung may know he swings  _that way,_  but also that he has certain feelings for Taehyung, and that those feelings very strongly cross the boundaries of the friendship territory. Jeongguk may be paranoid, but he can't help it. He is antsy just like Yoongi said. He hopes Taehyung isn't as perceptive as he normally is.

But Taehyung was not going to give up so easily, especially not when it concerns the maknae he loves.

 

**-**

 

A couple of days pass and Jeongguk is bathing in his boredom, so he takes his time walking around outside the dorms, sitting down on the nearest bench and observing the trees as they shake in the wind, most of their leaves shielding him from the sun like an umbrella. Jeongguk holds his notebook in his hands, flipping through the blank pages as if he was hoping something would appear by itself. 

For a few weeks, he had been trying to write his own song, something just for him that he could produce for his own sake, but it was proving more difficult. it gives him a newfound respect for his hyungs as they manage to do this all the time. How they do it - Jeongguk doesn't know, nor can he comprehend. All he does know is that it seems to take either a lot of sleepless nights or five minutes depending on the inspiration. 

Noticing how dark it had got outside, he decides to head back to the dorm, a few random lyrics scribbled down quickly, something he would have to work on. Jeongguk had gained some motivation to finish some lyrics. If he finishes tonight, he may just have a new song for an album. At least then, some weight is taken off of his hyung's shoulders. They are a team, after all. 


	6. six

_ **NIGHTMARE** _

 

 

 

Coming back to the dorm, Jeongguk was pleasantly surprised to see all the members sat watching a movie when he got in. He supposed he did miss their company as they always left early and returned late when they went to practice so he wouldn't mind sitting down and talking for a bit.

They were all sat around the living room, mostly all talking about earlier events, especially the choreography and how physically demanding it was, Jeongguk, now and again, joining in the conversation, voicing his opinions here and there, even saying that he's working on a new song and all which made his hyungs excited, cooing over the fact that their little maknae wasn't so little anymore, and hadn't been really for a long time. Jeongguk's ears turned red from embarrassment and praises.

They talk for what seems like hours, everyone saying anything they had been struggling with or what they want to change. It's common for them all to do things like this once in a while, so Jeongguk doesn't miss the opportunities to say a few things. He starts off by saying that sleeping is a tiny problem, and he vaguely mentions nightmares which make the other members perk up, but he says that they only visit on days when he gets really stressed or upset, so the hyungs relax and hug him, saying that he should really tell them sooner. He leaves out the part of whenever he thinks of Taehyung he seems to be comforted, like a mother with its child.

Jeongguk remembers one night, not sure exactly when, but he remembers that his throat was painfully dry and he needed to get some water, so he had tip-toed his way to the kitchen, probably waking everyone up by how loud he was being, cringing at how the cupboards slammed shut when he was trying to get a cup. 

After he had a glass of water and was walking back to his room, he didn't even realise that in a half-asleep state he had somehow made his way to Taehyung's room instead. He was debating whether or not to go in, his feet betraying his mind and going in any way, wincing at the sudden creak sound the door made as he opened it. He couldn't help but feel a little bit disappointed to find Taehyung fast asleep, selfishly wishing that the older would be awake, yet if he did happen to be, Jeongguk wouldn't be able to say anything anyway so this encounter would've just made them feel even more awkward.

But what Jeongguk didn't know was that Taehyung was actually awake after hearing the younger walking around. Taehyung held his breath, wanting Jeongguk to just come closer and come under the covers with him. In the end, he stayed quiet, even if his mind was shouting at him to do something. One thing Taehyung did want to know, curiosity and concern eating him alive, was what the maknae's nightmares were really about, always thinking of what he had previously dreamed of that was so bad he had separated himself from Taehyung from a short amount of time and also why he's starting to do it again.

But now, all of them sat in the same room together, laughing and drinking, Jeongguk decides to go lie down on the sofa, Jimin, and Taehyung joining shortly after. Namjoon, Hoseok and Seokjin stayed seated at the table, an extra set of beer suddenly appearing on the table, which they soon find themselves opening and falling into a heated conversation about something to do with producing new music that they were both working on.

A few moments passing, and empty beer cans left lying about, everyone was slightly more relaxed, relishing in the calm atmosphere that they didn't get to enjoy much together, let alone have the time to actually do seeing as their schedule is always packed between photo shoots, producing and doing other things which over time, had accumulated a steady routine for.

With the beer thrumming in his system, he stares at Taehyung opposite him, immediately scowling at himself for always thinking about Taehyung when he wasn't supposed to be. If there was one thing Jeongguk loved besides Taehyung and his members, it would be Jimin's thighs. And no, not because they were 'sculpted to perfection', (he has army to thank for that description) it was because they were so perfect to use as a pillow, and Jeongguk swore he could fall asleep right there, head gently resting against Jimin, careful not to put all his weight on his poor hyung, he doesn't want to crush him. (Well, not right at this moment.)

He could sense that everyone was tired, but it was like none of them really wanted to sleep just yet, like they were all just happy they were spending a few days to themselves, even a few hours was enough for everyone to recharge, happily indulging in the fact that they had a few days off now, just so they could catch a quick break before they started to work on some more songs for future albums.

Jeongguk forgot he was zoned out looking at Taehyung's face, so when he decided to come out of his daydream to see Taehyung staring right back at him, it made him yelp, making everyone laugh around him, his cheeks turning a light pink. He was back on full alert, all remnants of sleepiness drained. He would've been angry that people were laughing at him, but once Taehyung yawned softly, Jeongguk's heart melted a little, thinking about how cute the elder was. Taehyung's eyes found him again, and the staring match began once more.

Jungkook felt a little bolder now, his breath stuttering slightly as he roamed Taehyung face, then his body, watching how Taehyung looked so warm and cuddly wrapped up in a hoodie, that he was almost disappointed when he took it off, eyes still on Jeongguk as he did so as if he was prey. It made Jeongguk feel...weird. Like something electric was passing through them.  

_It reminded him of the time he was ill months ago, Taehyung staring down at him, and honestly, that day still confuses him, because if they weren't interrupted, what would've happened? He was so sure Taehyung would've kissed him. Jungkook really hates all these 'what ifs'._

Squeezing his eyes shut for a moment, he counts a few seconds and then re-opens them, peeking a look at Taehyung only to see that he was no longer looking at Jeongguk, and had rather got up to talk to Namjoon and Hoseok, holding a beer in his hands, gulping it down greedily. Jeongguk swore he didn't get a little turned on as he watched Taehyung's Adams apple bob whilst he drank, _not at all_. With a defeated sigh and jumbled thoughts piercing his head, Jeongguk begged for his eyes to close, willing sleep to come just so he could forget for a while.

**-**

Taehyung was scared and confused.

Seeing Jeongguk cuddled up to Jimin like that sparked a familiar feeling he had been feeling since debut, and Taehyung wasn't expecting Jeongguk to even be with everyone else here, normally he would be asleep or playing games, he was supposed to be doing something else, not being here with everyone.

Taehyung felt hurt, a pang spreading throughout his chest like a weight has just been placed there, dragging him to the floor making it hard to move. It hurt knowing Jeongguk would happily sit with the others when he was gone, but as soon as he entered a room with the younger in, or when the younger entered the room he was in, he could clearly see the discomfort etched onto the younger's face, the awkwardness.

It was scary, he felt like he was losing someone who meant so much to him, and his brain decided to plague him with so much negativity he could feel his spark dampening, and he couldn't blame the younger, no, this was Taehyung's fault. He didn't really know what went wrong, maybe he was too annoying, too happy, too himself. Fighting back tears, he reached out for another beer can, his third one, greedily gulping it all down, hoping it had some effect, something to numb him.

He knew he was being overdramatic, and that maybe Jeongguk had his own problems to deal with, and he knew he did, he knew the younger was overworking himself, had sleeping problems, everything and if he didn't feel so powerless all the time maybe he would actually put himself to use and try to help out.

"Taehyung?" Namjoon's concerned voice broke him out of his stupor, with wide eyes he started up at Namjoon, seeing his hyung's forehead creasing as he was staring at Taehyung, easily detecting Taehyung's distress. Namjoon was glancing back at his hand holding the beer to his face, pausing to see if Taehyung would tell him what was wrong. Even Hoseok was looking at him weirdly. When Taehyung just continued to stare at Namjoon in confusion, Namjoon spoke up again. "Are you okay? That's your third beer now and you look...out of it."

"I'm okay hyung." Taehyung lies smoothly, coughing as he reaches for another can only to have Hoseok place a hand on top of his, stopping him from taking another one.

"Taehyung." Hoseok sighs softly, shaking his head.

" _What_  Hyung?" Taehyung saw Hoseok flinch at the sharpness of his tone, face immediately softening as he saw the state Taehyung was in, and Taehyung hadn't felt so guilty in a long time. Even Namjoon looked a little shocked at his little outburst. Taehyung looked down in shame, tears threatening to spill, vision slightly blurred, what was wrong with him?

"I'm s-sorry, I'm gonna head to bed, goodnight."

"Tae-"

The screech of the chair had everyone frozen, wincing at the sharpness and loudness of the sound, small conversations here and there stopping abruptly, even Jeongguk had been woken up from his tiny nap, his vision barely making out a distressed Taehyung glancing in his direction before he quickly turned around stumbling his way to his room, everyone in deadly silence as they watched him walk away.

-

Yoongi was the first to break the tense atmosphere.

"What the  _fuck_  was that?"

Jeongguk could feel Jimin shifting him, carefully lifting his head up and placing it on a pillow before he gets up and says he will go and check on him. A flare of panic sprouted inside Jeongguk, watching as Jimin's features also contorted from his usual happy demeanour into one of confusion and concern also. He sat up then, clicking his back uncomfortably, looking around the whole room to see everyone too consumed with their own thoughts, Hoseok especially looking sad and lost. He couldn't help but agree with Yoongi.  _What the fuck was that?_

Sure, Taehyung had his moments just like everyone else, resulting in him wanting to be alone, a mere five or so minutes to himself so he could just  _breathe_. It's like some days you wake up and find yourself exhausted, not just physically. And for Jeongguk and a lot of others, Taehyung was like the sun, bright and energetic, warming everyone up with his energy. Taehyung was nice, almost too nice most of the time. Everyone could easily tell when Taehyung wasn't fully okay. And no one could blame Taehyung really, they all knew that sometimes the happiest of people are sad too, and can also get stressed and overwhelmed.

It was like that for everyone really.

So the tense atmosphere that accumulated, covering the room in a thick blanket of tension, everyone wasn't really sure what to do at this point, and yes, everyone now knew that something wasn't quite right with the two youngest, and that something needed to be fixed because this, whatever it was, was not going to last if Namjoon had something to say about it.

So eventually, a few minutes after processing the shock of Taehyung's exit, soon enough the conversation picked back up, the time ticking past slowly, Jeongguk closed his eyes once more, pillow replaced by a Yoongi, eyes locking as if he had something to say, but thought against it, leaving the maknae with a furrowed brow, locking eyes quickly with his Hyung again, giving him a knowing look, gently wrapping a protective arm around the younger, draping it on his chest, like he knew why Taehyung and him were playing up, like Yoongi knew more than he was letting on and he was showing his way of comfort, his way of showing his love.

The simple gesture was enough for a different warmth to spread throughout his entire body, sprouts of hope dancing around his heart, that little bit of hope he clung on to tell him that everything might turn out okay, and these past weeks, days were just that, in the past, and hopefully, these days will be long forgotten in the future.

The bad days are never worth remembering.

 _That,_ Jeongguk thought to himself, _is the one scary thing about Yoongi - how scarily perceptive the older was. How in one shared look you can suddenly feel exposed, vulnerable like you just bared all your secrets to him with a quick glance._

Brain squirming with new thoughts and distress, Jeongguk wills his eyes to close again that night, forcing himself to think of happy things, soon enough falling into a deep sleep, dreaming of Taehyung and wishing for him to feel better tomorrow, even if he knows that he might be the reason as to why Taehyung was suddenly feeling this way. 

He needs to fix this - soon. 


	7. seven

_** NIGHTMARE  ** _

 

****

 

Exhale, inhale, exhale.

Taehyung breathed in and out as steadily as he could, brain buzzed with the alcohol, his vision hazy. He soon became fed up with trying to comprehend what he just did, endless thoughts clogging his brain up, making the room around him spin. He hardly ever had outbursts like that, most likely to be one of the members that carried weights and doubts on his own. He had never had an outburst like that.  

_What was wrong with him?_

Taking another steady breath, he sat on his bed, pulling his favourite pillow to his chest, chin digging into the plushy surface he adored so heavily. The guilt hits him but he tries to ignore it as he stares at the wall opposite him. 

As he was about to grab his laptop, hoping music could help him calm down, a soft, tentative knock was heard at the door, and it soon opened after, a tuft of blonde hair poking around the side, and if Taehyung wasn't so... disappointed? disheartened? He would've laughed at his best friends silliness, a hopeless attempt at trying to make the younger smile. The weight was still there, however, still pulling himself down. He forced himself to give a little smile but could tell by the way Jimin looked at him that it was probably more of a grimace than anything.

Jimin careens into the room, a small frown playing on his lips when he saw Taehyung hugging his pillow, biting his lip, a habit he acquired from all the years, from where he didn't even know. Taehyung would always be grateful for Jimin, the older of the two always following after him, always knowing when he wasn't really okay, even seeing it before he could himself, always there to lend a shoulder to cry on. He was so, entirely grateful for Jimin and what he does for him, he could never truly repay the older. 

"Tae?" Jimin sat in front of the older, warily laying the low-spirited younger's head in his lap, his chestnut brown hair sprawled across his thighs as to which Jimin began to play with, earning a tired sigh from the older, a small smell of beer tickling Jimin's nose. 

"It's not like you to drink Taehyungie," Jimin spoke softly, aiming to coax out some truth from Taehyung. 

"I know Jiminie." 

"The last time you did-"

"I said I know Jimin" 

Jimin exhaled sharply. " _Taehyung_ "

"Sorry," And he is, Taehyung really is sorry, and he knew he should be better with his emotions, but Jungkook, Jeon Jungkook brings something out of Taehyung that he is scared of, something he has never really felt before and it scares him. He wishes he wasn't like this, wishes he was more stable but even the happiest people are sad too. Like Hoseok, all the members knows how much he struggled sometimes, especially under the name 'J-Hope' they all knew that Hoseok felt trapped, like he couldn't be sad because he had to stick to his name, he felt he wasn't allowed the feel unhappy and sad because he was always the positive, bubbly one of the group. 

Taehyung knew all well from Hoseok that it was okay for him to be sad, even over nothing small. He's learnt that it's fine to have days like these, but it doesn't make it easier to deal with, easier to come to terms with fully. He allowed himself to slip up for one night. 

"Can you tell me what's wrong Taehyung?" Jimin strokes his hair, rubbing circles on his stomach in an attempt to calm the other, Jimin feeling a little bubble of pride and adoration swell inside him as he watches the way Taehyung's eyes close gently, and Jimin hopes they'll get somewhere tonight. 

"I don't know what it is exactly Jimin," He huffs, turning to nestle into Jimin's stomach, desperately trying to keep his tears back, feeling too much of something at once. "But I know it's to do with Jeongguk? And him avoiding me. I'm sure it is. It's so confusing Jiminie." 

"Jeongguk..." Jimin trails off at the end, seemingly in deep thought, piecing a few puzzle pieces together. 

Taehyung buries his face into Jimin's top more, and Jimin tried his hardest to stifle back a laugh at how cute his best friend is being, also not missing the way his ears turn a light tinge of red.

"I don't know what it is honestly, but he's distancing himself from me. I don't know why I feel so hurt though,"

"He's avoiding you?" 

"Yeah, I guess so." 

Jimin makes a noise of inquiry and Taehyung wonders what he's thinking about. Taehyung turns again on Jimin's lap, facing upwards to the ceiling, suddenly struck again with the thought that the younger was avoiding him, insecurity and doubt creeping it's way into Taehyung's mind, suddenly pulling him under. He learns he doesn't like this feeling.

"Oh Taehyungie," Jimin snuggles Taehyung closer upon noticing a small tear leak from the side of his eye, and Jimin's chest contracts tightly because he knows Taehyung only cries when he's really happy or really sad. 

"I'm okay Jimin, really but I'm not sure what I'm really supposed to do anymore. He ignores me on some days, then he talks to me like nothing's wrong, saying he's sorry and-" 

"Taehyung- _breathe,_  I got you." 

"I'm so confused Jimin." Taehyung fights off the sleepiness, shakily taking a few more deep breaths of air as he and Jimin sit in comfortable silence, and he's grateful Jimin's not asking too many questions at once, it makes it all a little easier, safer. He hardly has any answers anyways. 

"Take it slow Taehyungie, I wouldn't worry too much. Jeongguk's always been like this-"

"What, emotionally constipated?"

Jimin laughs then, eyes turning into small crescents, the sound loud and clear in the room. Taehyung soon joins in, chuckling and smiling softly at the way the mood was suddenly lightened, loving the way that his friendship with Jimin was practically perfect, both of them knowing immediately how to turn a sad tense situation into a light happy one when they were together, not bothering to stay and sulk in a sad moment longer than they needed to, and it was something Taehyung really missed, craved even. A good laugh and a sense of hope.

"Yeah, I guess you can say that he is pretty closed off at times, especially recently, but what's new? You coaxed him out of his little shell before, I'm confident you can do it again, I'm sure you can handle this Taehyung." 

"Baby steps, right Jiminie?" 

Jimin nods, smiling warmly, laying them both down, Jimin holding Tae in his arms, missing the times they could do this, two long lost brothers sharing loving comfort with each other.

"Baby steps Taehyung." 

Taehyung's eyes flutter shut before he can stop it, the beats of Jimin's heart lulling him into a peaceful slumber, worries momentarily forgotten for another night. 

**-**

In the other room, Jeongguk hasn't stopped fretting.  

After Taehyung's outburst, the hyungs were scarily quiet, busying themselves with countless work, the repeated tapping of laptop keys slowly driving them insane and Jeongguk was considering throwing the owners laptop out the window. (He wouldn't really throw it out the window, but he needs the repetitive typing and the silence to stop.)

He wonders how Namjoon can keep typing,  _and typing and typing._ What does he even write about anyway? Lyrics? Ideas for some new concepts? Who knows. Jeongguk stares longingly at his bedroom, which for a while has been like a games room, and he swears he can hear the menacing laugh of overwatch haunting him, enticing him to go and play some games for a while, but his head and heart aren't really in the mood to go and do that, so he decides that the gym may not be too bad of an option. 

He knows from the empty seat left untucked by the kitchen table and the door to Yoongi's room wide open that he had gone to the studio, probably with Hoseok aswell seeing as that specific Hyung had disappeared too. 

Staring at the clock on the wall, reading it to be somewhere close to 2am, Jeongguk suddenly finds himself yawning, a fist covering his nose, instead of his mouth, (because apparently that's his weird habit that he also had no clue he did until the fans pointed it out to him,) and started settling himself back on the couch, highly considering for a brief moment to check on Taehyung, but he fights the urge down once again. 

He goes back to sleep. 

**-**

 

The next time Jeongguk awakes, it's to rustling coming from the kitchen, the sudden slamming of the kitchen cabinets making him wince, and he looks around in a fuzzy haze to see the room plunged in darkness except for a little lamp in the corner, grateful to whoever left that on since Jeongguk hated sleeping in the dark, especially by himself. He can't help but feel all warm and fuzzy when he sees a blanket draped over him, and in no time he finds himself saying that whoever put it over him is an actual angel, and deserves the world. (And even if Jeongguk doesn't know Taehyung was the one that placed the blanket over him, then what Jeongguk doesn't know won't hurt him.) For the younger, there's no better feeling in the world than knowing you're loved, even after doing nothing at all.

Even if he doesn't say it enough in interviews or little segments of some magazines, he actually loved it when his hyungs baby him. He tries to act all manly, says he doesn't care, blah blah blah, but he adores the attention, he may be eighteen in South Korea, but he will always feel like a small five-year-old in his heart. That will probably never change. 

The fuzzy feeling stays still at the thought of his hyung's still taking care of him even though he's been a bit of a brat lately, more so than usual, causing all types of trouble he shouldn't be getting into, like over practising and injuring himself, things like that. He doesn't want to put any more pressure on everyone that he doesn't want to, and he just wants everything to go, and to be perfect. And right now, with Jeongguk, nothing was even close to perfect but he's getting somewhere. He needs to learn that sometimes, that's fine. Perfect is something that can't even be reached fully anyway, there will always be a mistake or something that can be done differently to make something better or worse. He won't admit it, but there is some fun to having everything a little off anyway, something that doesn't look quite right, something  _human_  about the whole thing. 

Rubbing the sleepiness out of his eyes, he slowly sits up, wincing at how tight his back feels, cursing at himself for falling asleep on the sofa again when there are perfectly good beds that could be put to use. Another clang is heard, and he almost wants to be angry at the person for waking him up, but then again he doesn't because he knows that if he carried on sleeping then there could be a possibility that he could have another nightmare. He can feel them slowly creeping back, especially seeing as the way he sleeps less than usual for a few days now, like his body is purposely waking up earlier to escape the realms of a nightmare. He knows it's a matter of time before his mind thrashes him back into the deep end, and he knows he will drown straight away. 

Optimism is the key, and he's slowly losing all positivity, can feel it seep from his bones. He still clings on though, still tries. 

He gets up slowly, tilting his neck and stretching his back, satisfied as he hears the clicking of his bones. It's weird, he knows, but there is something oddly satisfying when you hear your bones clicking. When he sluggishly pulls himself into the kitchen, what he doesn't expect to see there is Kim Taehyung, eating cereal at what he guessed to be early morning, and when he peels his eyes from the shocked face of Taehyung, spoon midway to his mouth, he looks at the clock to confirm his suspicions of it to be almost 5am. 

"Wha..." 

Jeongguk was frozen, he didn't know whether to laugh or not, and Taehyung  _knows_ , he knows from the bags under Jeongguk's eyes, the soft look in the eye, he knows the younger like the back of his hand, and it was scary. He knows too much, and he knows too little.

"I'm not even going to ask." He mutters under his breath, turning to go and head back to the sofa, Taehyung following him with his eyes, feeling small under the watchful stare. Taehyung thinks this would be a perfect time to get the younger to talk, and Jeongguk was left wondering only for a short moment if Taehyung had placed the blanket over him. His chest briefly warmed at the thought. The younger settles back on the sofa, one arm up to go behind his head, creating a headrest of sorts. It was only a moment or two later, he heard the clash of a bowl going into the sink and a spoon clanking on top of it. He was expecting this, nowhere to run or hide, nowhere the older wouldn't find it. And it's been fun for a while playing cat and mouse with the older but he was tired of running, tired of everything.

So it didn't take the younger by surprise when he felt the sofa dip by his feet, slow breaths to accommodate the near quiet of the room. His eyes flinch, and he begs his hands to stop shaking, the palms cold and clammy to the touch. 

Was he ready?

Will he ever be ready?

"Do you hate me Jeongguk?" 

There it was, the sentence that was full of sadness and hurt, hanging in the air. Jeongguk still refuses to open his eyes, and he can imagine Taehyung staring at him, eyes scanning him, the thought making a shiver go down his spine. The words hit him, punch him right in the gut and he wants to scream out a no, wants to hug and kiss Taehyung and tell him all the things that keep him up at night, but he knows he'll forever be a coward. If there is one thing he does know, is that he does  _not_  hate Kim Taehyung. How could anyone hate him?

Taehyung knows he's awake and it's suddenly all too much. Jeongguk doesn't dare answer, even though his insides churn with guilt and sadness, the deepest pits of him wanted to scream,  _"No I don't hate you, I love you, too much. Too much it's dangerous."_

He remains silent even when he feels the shift in weight when Taehyung stands up, and he almost allows himself to breathe, almost allows himself to open his eyes, but he stops himself when he feels breathing on his right cheek. He can feel Taehyung sitting next to him, possibly cross-legged by the way Taehyung's breath is hitting the very bottom of his cheek, almost on his neck, and the sensitivity of it all makes him want to squirm away but he stays still, he endures it. He can't even face the truth himself. 

"Why?" 

The voice of a soft broken whisper, one that makes Jeongguk's heart crack into tiny little pieces. He can feel the raw emotion flow from Taehyung in waves, the frustration and anger radiating off of him in waves, and Jeongguk suddenly feels sick, the liquid inside threatening to come out. He really is a coward, that at least, he can come to terms with. 

Taehyung is confused and hurt. What an unstoppable team they make. 

Jeongguk forces down the immediate urge to comfort Taehyung, tell the older things will be okay, tell him that he loves him, has always loved him, will always love him no matter what, but he remains silent, as usual. He doesn't even feel the tear roll down his cheek, but Taehyung notices, he always notices and uses the pad of his thumb to wipe it away. The tears don't stop there. And really, Jeongguk doesn't know where these silent tears come from. He knows, but he doesn't. It's confusing, everything is all confusing and repetitive and too sad. Because when Taehyung is unhappy, he is unhappy. 

When his hyungs are unhappy, he's unhappy. That's just how it goes. 

Taehyung continues to wipe away the tears, and Jeongguk still refuses to open his eyes, still won't come to face the man next to him, his body shaking a little, sniffling quietly as he wishes it wasn't Taehyung that had to find him like this, always vulnerable, alone. It was scary how dependent he really was on the older. Scary how avoiding him didn't help the problem, just made it tens time worse, heart aching for Taehyung, feeling like he can breathe when he's near, all the nervousness waiting to explode diminishing that little bit inside him. 

"I'm tired Tae," He whispers, voice unsteady and too quiet, and Taehyung knows that what Jeongguk said has two different meanings, he knows the younger is tired from lack of sleep, but he also knows that he's tired from running, he's tired mentally as well as physically. 

Taehyung knows this because he's tired too. 

"Talk to me Guk,  _please_." 

The younger doesn't need too much convincing, and opens his eyes, moving to stop staring at the ceiling to look at Taehyung's face instead. He's met with two soft, coffee brown eyes, even in the dim light he can see the dark circles under his eyes, and he wonders how dark his own must be, he notices how puffy they look, a little bloodshot and it clicks that Taehyung must have cried. All of a sudden, he feels like the breath has been stolen from him. Taehyung cried, probably because of himself, and this was enough to make him start to tear up, but he pushes it all back, taking a shaky breath in an attempt to compose himself. 

The guilt is still raw and fresh, the sadness threatens to creep under his skin and work itself further in, but a new determination rises up in him, a new hope banishes the negative thoughts, even if it's brief, because staring into the deep honey pools of Taehyung, he thinks that maybe it could work out better now, maybe it can all be okay. 

"Gukkie..." Taehyung starts, and again, his voice is so soft, too soft. Like Jeongguk is fragile and precious - like a doll. Carefully, he puts a hand on the maknae's knee, and the younger jumps at the sudden action body tense, zoning out to come back into Taehyung know sitting next to him instead of on the floor. Taehyung presses on, not wanting to let this moment go to waste. 

"We need to talk." 

And those words, so overused and heavy. And yes, Taehyung knows there are probably a thousand different ways he could have started the sentence in a better way since Jeongguk seems to tense up, even more, eyes widening, the swelling of his cheeks had completely vanished, Taehyung notices. He can now see how hard the younger's jaw clenches. 

"I don't hate you," Jeongguk's voice wavers. He just wanted to say that one thing before everything comes crashing down on him. He's been doing so well at hiding things lately, and he really doesn't want to ruin anything more than what he has already. Taehyung lets out a deep breath, calming himself and looks at Jeongguk. Really looks at him. The scar across his cheek, the way his chestnut hair is partly covering his eyes, the way his eyes watch his every move.

"About the day when I first found out about your nightmares."

 _No more running_ , he tells himself,  _not anymore._ Taehyung can almost hear Jungkook swallow, feels him shake a little. 

"There's nothing to talk about." He knows he's being difficult, but he can't help it, he wants to talk about it, yet he's built his walls up higher than they've ever been and he's scared of it all crashing, all his hard work destroyed. He's scared of being vulnerable, he knows it. 

So does Taehyung. 

He takes Jeongguk's hand in his own, and Taehyung finds it hard to control his heartbeat, picks up on the way he suddenly finds some peace here on the sofa as they both enjoy this moment secretly, and when they both lock eyes Jeongguk realises that this moment might not last, and there might not be a tomorrow and Taehyung not giving up on him gives him some strength and courage to tell Taehyung everything. 

Starting from day one.


	8. eight

_** NIGHTMARE ** _

 

 

 

"Do you remember at the start of the year when you had a nightmare?"

Jeongguk reminisces, goes through everything at the start of the year until he's certain he knows what Taehyung means. He knows because it's played a lot on his mind. God, how could he forget it? That night must have been when he focused more on Taehyung and doing things that the older would only surely like and when Jeongguk became less clingy because he was scared all those dreams would come true. His eyebrows raise in shock because Taehyung remembers something so small from months ago. 

Taehyung waits patiently on the sofa, the younger's head resting on his shoulder grateful for the warmth he receives from the simple gesture. It's a simple question he gets, one he predicted he would get, but it's still one that makes him shudder, makes him feel sick and weak. Taehyung catches on to how tense Jeongguk becomes again and slung his arm around the younger, pulling him in so Jeongguk lays on his chest, suddenly feeling like a baby again. He tries not to get used to the feeling of being next to someone else, someone he loves so much, but he fails. He loves this a little too much.

"Yeah...god, that seemed like forever ago. I'm guessing you want me to explain them?" Taehyung nods, smiling supportively and watches the younger lick his lips and nod back. "Well, they were mostly about us? I guess?"

"Us?"

"You know, Bangtan, BTS, me and you, whatever."

Taehyung tries not to focus on how much he loved the younger saying 'us'. It felt right to him, felt like there could be an 'us' with Jeongguk. He doesn't dwell on the thought longer than he has to. He gets slightly confused at what the younger means when he highlights him in the dream. Taehyung straightens his shoulders just a little, worrying as if these were nightmares, why did Jeongguk highlight him and himself?

"Can you tell me what happened if you remember?"

Jeongguk laughs, but it sounds strained and bitter. "Of course I can, it's not like they really stopped."

Taehyung doesn't know what to say to the new information, so he stays quiet and places a hand on the maknae's knee, hoping the action displays some sort of comfort. Jeongguk takes a deep breath and looks away from Taehyung, trying to recollect what happens and how to say it in the best way. He frowns, every bad nightmare he had fought desperately to repress was shooting back to the surface, and he found himself getting a little breathless at the thought of having to reminisce each nightmare, work through each one and explain it.

He wills himself not to cry, panic or be embarrassed, yet, that doesn't really work too well.

Taehyung wishes he could remove the frown from Jeongguk's lips, wishes he could smooth the crease that rests in between his brows when they're furrowed together, wishes to see the younger smile again. He hopes he's getting something here, even if he finds out the source of the problem, to Taehyung, anything to help the younger. He wants to fix what is wrong with them. 

Taehyung thinks Jeongguk is exactly like a flower. Taehyung will keep looking after him, watering him, giving him as much sunlight as he can so he can turn into something better, something fulfilling, happier. Something that can shine with so much brightness you could see the billions of stars flutter in his eyes. Jeongguk is a lot of things, and being effortlessly beautiful is something that comes naturally.

"What... bad things happen?"

"There are too many bad things,"

And Taehyung finally understands there and then, even a little bit of what the younger was going through, how much turmoil and pain he was under, and it makes his chest tighter, and instinctively pulls the younger closer to him as if he was protecting him. He misses the way Jeongguk smiles at his actions. 

Taehyung waits patiently for him to explain, knowing how emotionally fragile he must be right now, how scared he must be. Taehyung is proud that the younger is trusting him so much, that he's finally opening up, albeit slowly, he was still getting somewhere, still knocking down the walls as he did all those years ago. He was helping him become his real self again. Taehyung squeezes Jeongguk's cold hand for comfort when he notices the youngers shoulders drop from what he guesses to be fatigue, hoping the act encourages the younger to speak again when he's ready.

"They...uh, they normally start out okay, like the normal dreams you'd have and then forget, but... suddenly everything just... gets flipped upside down and there's no stopping it. It's horrible Tae, the way everything just gets worse, and what happens is worse and I can't do anything to stop it and then we fight and hurt each other-" Jeongguk breaks off, tears leaving his eyes, and it only takes Taehyung a very short minute that the younger was indeed crying again, but this time his body shook with little sobs, and he was shaking, not from the cold but from something else entirely and it scared Taehyung.

It came in small sharp intakes of air and then all of a sudden, Jeongguk's chest falls and rises quicker, his breaths are quicker, him almost panting, and he is clutching at his throat, sitting upright now, body shaking not from the tears, but from something he doesn't know. It feels as if someone is adding pressure to his neck, strangling him.

Taehyung's heart picked up as he saw how distressed the younger looked, Jeongguk's face contorting with pain and a bead of sweat to roll down the back of his exposed neck. Taehyung wasn't sure what he was supposed to do, but he was panicking at the way the younger wouldn't respond when his name was called and would instead clutch onto his chest, twisting his shirt in his hands.

"Jeongguk! What's wrong? Whats-"

" _H-hyung._ " He croaks out, turning around to face Taehyung, breathing harshly, blood roaring in his ears, his heart clenches and his chest feels like it's closing in, and Jeongguk finds a hard time swallowing, talking, heck, even breathing. He's been through this before, but every time still feels different, the borderline between the need to faint and the fear that he may die, even though really, he won't die and his mind is just playing tricks on his body or something.

Taehyung takes the younger male's cold-clammy hands into his own, tries to force the shaking to stop, but it doesn't and he is still panting harshly. Taehyung tried to think quickly, racking his brain to find something to help Jeongguk, and he only has brief knowledge about panic attacks, and what to do, so he wills himself to remember what he had read about so long ago, gathering enough information quickly to help Jeongguk, heart pumping faster at how pained he looks, it was a harsh stab to his gut, and he looked immobilised, zoned out, shaking terribly.

Taehyung wrapped his arms tightly around Jeongguk, knowing there was a slight chance this would work, a hug of sorts, keeping him in his arms even though the younger restrained just a little. Taehyung read somewhere that this would trigger a hormone in the brain, calming the person. He hoped this would work otherwise he was screwed. He knew sometimes this could make it worse, but it's all he could think of, so hopefully, he wouldn't get criticised for this. What was he expected to do? He just wanted to help.

Soon enough, Taehyung felt Jeongguk relax a little, the shaking subsiding a little, but his breaths were still raggy and uneven, and the shaking wasn't completely under control. Taehyung felt like crying seeing the younger like this, but he kept it together, focusing on the task at hand. He also read that humming or singing could help, something about sending vibrations down the person's body to soothe them, so Taehyung did just that. He began humming a random tune, anything at all to keep the younger trained onto his humming.

When he found the effect to keep working, he decided to see as Jeongguk was slowly starting to come back to Taehyung, that if stroking Jeongguk's head would help, and so he began massaging the chestnut strands between his fingers before dropping them and repeating, switching the repetitive humming for a soft mantra of "It's okay's." and "Breathe Guk, breathe."

Taehyung almost exhaled in relief when Jeongguk's breathing soon evened out and slowed down considerably, his head dropping to rest on Taehyung's shoulder, the elder then resting his chin atop of his soft locks, a sweet smell of coconut filling his nostrils, and he finds himself slumping down, exhausted from what just happened, but the pang of panic and worry still lingered over him like a dark cloud, and when he felt Jeongguk's hold on his hand become stronger, he could find himself worrying he would have another attack but what he wasn't expecting was a soft whisper, laced with embarrassment from the younger.

"I'm s-sorry hyung I don't know w-what happened."

And that's all it took for the younger to break down again, hot tears seeping into Taehyung's shirt, but he couldn't find it in himself to care, not now, not ever. He couldn't keep up with what was happening, so he gently lifted the youngers head, and held it between two hands so that the younger would look directly at him. He needed to cry and get it all out of his system. 

Taehyung was met with tear stained cheeks, glistening under the dim light, and the familiarity of it all brought him back to a few weeks ago, when the both of them had a moment similar to this, something private between them, swimming in each other's eyes as they gulp down as much as they can like air, like they couldn't get enough of each other. Taehyung was so lost and confused, but most of all he was fed up with being sad, feeling sad, seeing others down and stressed, it wasn't fair.

Things needed to change.

"Guk listen to me, you don't have to apologise for anything okay?" He looked into both of Jeongguk's eyes then, hoping to get the message across, and when he saw the younger give him a defeated, tired smile, Taehyung thought that things could be okay. And no, it was never certain, and he was sure he would keep repeating this thought until the day he dies, but he doesn't care, at this moment it is him and Jeongguk and they are safe.

"I really don't hate you Hyung, I promise. I...lo- I..."

"I know Guk, I know," 

Jeingguk's eyes widen, thinking the elder knows he meant he _loved_ him, but he knows the elder thinks he said it the platonic way, and calms down, giving him a grateful look, and despite how physically and emotionally drained he felt, how his body felt ten times heavier, he had to add this moment to the list of others he had shared with the older. He loved how caring the older always was with him, always being there even though he had pushed Taehyung away, to begin with. He was never alone, and that was enough to put him at ease. He snuggled closer to Taehyung, enjoying the close proximity, Taehyung's large hands still running through his hair, the younger struggling to keep his eyes open at this point, the tiredness pulling him back under.

"You don't have to tell me specifically if you have bad dreams, there's always the rest of the members. Don't keep things in all the time."

He wants Taehyung. It will always be Taehyung no matter what.

"I want you hyung, not anyone else."

And if what Jungkook said had two different meanings, no one else had to know about it.


	9. ten

_** NIGHTMARE  ** _

**-**

**BANGTAN DORM:**

**JULY 5th 2016,**

**-**

If there had to be something that Jungkook liked a little more than the wingless angel Kim Taehyung, it would have to be the rain. He remembered someone saying that rain reminded them of washing everything away, like starting over again. Fresh starts and fresh air. For Jungkook, he could wholeheartedly agree with these words from a stranger, could effortlessly watch the rain slowly dripping down the windowpanes for hours, but sadly, the world had other plans for him. 

They were set to do a new series called Bon Voyage today. Jungkook knew they had to get up soon to look presentable but he couldn't bring himself to get out of bed. Although, he was sure the reason why he didn't want to get up was probably that Kim Taehyung was  _snuggling into him,_  and if it wasn't the cutest thing in the world, he wouldn't know what was, a dumb smile threatening to break out onto his face. If Namjoon ever minded that Taehyung had been making appearances in Jungkook's bed for months he didn't voice it. In fact, he always greeted Taehyung in the morning in his half-asleep state out of habit, even if he wasn't actually there which always made Jungkook chuckle. He looks down to the mop of red hair sprawled across his pillow and fiddles with the strands, trying to block out Seokjin's voice from down the dorms. 

He gets even less motivated to get up when he remembers Taehyung was going to film his drama, leaving him to join them a day later than them. Jungkook knew being away from the older, (even if it was only for one day) was difficult. They had gotten a lot closer recently, and whenever Jungkook has nightmares or bad thoughts he tells Taehyung straight away, no hesitation. They manage to always find a way to crawl into each other's beds when they want to, talk for hours on end about random things. It's a shame though when the ache in Jungkook's chest gets bigger and bigger and the weight of his love for the older gets heavier and heavier. He's tried to move on, get rid of all his feelings but again, nothing worked. It seemed like Jungkook's heart was fixed on Taehyung and there was nothing he could do to stop it. All Jungkook seems to do is fall deeper and deeper, and he knows so damn well what the rapid beating in his chest means, he's not stupid. Perhaps a little slow to realise it to its full potential, but it's such a familiar feeling, still so strong. It's the same feeling he had when he first laid eyes on Taehyung. The only difference is now he knows what it's called, he just wouldn't say it out loud. 

So it's times like this, when Taehyung is in his most vulnerable, peaceful state Jungkook feels the happiest, taking in all of Taehyung's beautiful features that make Jungkook smile without even noticing. He continues to stare at the elders face until he starts to stir in his arms and Jungkook look away quickly in a panic, not wanting to get caught because that would just be embarrassing. To his relief, Taehyung just snuggles in even more, seemingly falling asleep once again.

However, the one thing he really doesn't like more than Taehyung is Kim Seokjin, bounding into his room with so much speed, the door smacks against the wall, leaving Jungkook to jump in fright, Taehyung groaning in his arms. Jin, wearing an adamant scowl on his face, looms over Jungkook. " _Jeon Jungkook,_ " He seethes and Jungkook can tell he's trying to ignore Taehyung curled up next to him, head nestled into his collarbones and he can also tell that Seokjin lowers his voice because even when he's angry, he knows the importance of sleep for an idol (plus who wants to wake up an adorable sleeping Taehyung?) "I swear if you don't get up in ten minutes I'll get you to clean the dorm every. single. day."

"Good morning to you too Hyung." He whined, raising a hand that wasn't in Taehyung's hair to shield his squinted eyes from Seokjin opening the curtains and letting the sunlight pour through the gap.

Seokjin huffs, and Taehyung stirs and yawns, eyes fluttering open and in a sleepy haze, not quite registering where all the noise was coming from, pressing one hand down onto Jungkook's chest, pulling himself up which earned a painful groan from the younger under him. Taehyung's eyes widened in fear and guilt, instantly murmuring countless apologies as he sat upright fully, leaning onto the bed's headrest for support instead of Jungkook's chest, totally ignoring a scowling Seokjin still watching them. Jungkook giggled, even though his chest was aching slightly it was bearable and Jungkook continued to laugh quietly to himself when he saw strands of Taehyung's hair sticking up everywhere. It was incredibly adorable. 

"It's okay Tae, really." Jungkook smiled warmly to show that he meant it truly, and Taehyung returned a boxy smile, his hold on the sofa becoming a little looser than before. Though realising how close their bodies were and how Seokjin was staring at them with a weird look in his eyes, mostly confusion, he decided it would probably be best they moved or something, being under Seokjin's stare making him extremely flustered. 

"I'm not even going to ask why you both are out here, but Jungkook you seriously need to get up and moving. Filming starts soon." Jungkook nods in approval and sends a finger heart to Seokjin to which he smiles amusedly at and returns, shutting the door behind him as he leaves. Taehyung moves his fringe from his eyes and smoothed down his dishevelled hair. 

Already missing Jungkook's warmth, Taehyung decided to manoeuvre himself so his back came into contact with Jungkook's chest, and Jungkook let out another surprised groan that was slightly attractive in Taehyung's ears, but no one needed to know about that. Jungkook knew Taehyung felt bummed that he couldn't be with them right away, so Jungkook tried his best to make Taehyung a little happier. In retrospect, he's a little worried, but he knows Taehyung can handle himself and have fun, so he tries not to fret too much. 

"Taehyungie-Hyung?" 

No response. 

"Taehyung?" Jungkook whispered louder. When he still got no response Jungkook listened out attentively to hear the slow, soft breathing of the man in his arms. The intimacy made Jungkook's cheeks flush an even deeper red, and he swore he had become the embodiment of a tomato by now. If anyone else found him like this, he was sure the members would take pictures, laugh about it for a few days and tell ARMY's this story and he would have to smile awkwardly through it all, hoping one day it all dies down. He decided to stop thinking for a little moment, enjoying how domestic the scene was in front of him, legs now intertwined with Taehyung's own, and he almost found it strangely exciting.

_"Aish Taehyung, what am I going to do with you?"_

**-**

"Ah- Namjoon, glad you're up!" Seokjin beams, "At least someone knows the meaning of  _being on time,_ " He was glad there was some conversation to be had in the empty kitchen, everyone else probably just lazing around waiting for the staff to finish setting up. 

"That lonely out here is it Hyung?" Namjoon teases, scrunching up his nose in a mocking manner.

"Funny," He grits out, sarcasm lacing his voice, "You know how much I appreciate a good conversation Joonie, can't blame me when everyone's asleep all the time nowadays." 

"Don't worry Hyung," He smiles, "I understand." 

A comfortable silence fills the atmosphere, the boiling of the kettle the only noise besides the frequent tapping of laptop keys as Namjoon begins to type away, the usual scene they were both accustomed to. 

"Ah, Hyung, where are the two youngest? They're not in their rooms and believe me, I'll have a heart attack if they're awake now, that  _never_ happens."

Seokjin laughs, controlling himself when he sees the shocked face of Namjoon, getting the reason he was laughing, no communication needed.

"They're awake!?" He whisper-shouts, clutching his heart dramatically for a full effect. 

"Well, last time I checked they were half awake, I shouted at them to get up, but knowing them they're probably asleep again," Seokjin stops himself from smiling fondly like a deranged mother, "They were hugging each other like there was no tomorrow, it was quite cute actually, I had to stop myself from taking a picture, but the fans might get-" 

"The wrong idea," Namjoon breathes, not caring that he cut his Hyung off. 

"I'm also going to ignore that you cut me off today because after seeing those two, I feel all tingly inside."

"Hyung," Namjoon warned, a little way of telling him to stop. 

"Alright alright, I'm only kidding, you know I'm worried about them too." 

"I'm sure they know what they're doing. We're probably making this a bigger deal than it needs to be. We're basically going on holiday so let's just have fun hmm?" 

"Of course Hyung,"  

They share a small smile and begin to talk about random things as they do every morning,  normally about their upcoming schedule and how they've been doing as sometimes they don't have the time to properly talk and chat. As Namjoon and Seokjin were chatting merrily over their new songs, Jimin bounced his way into the kitchen, more like tumbling his way in, but in his own eyes, it was graceful. 

"Hey Hyung's." He tries to cover up himself tripping over with a hand on his hip and an innocent smile.

"Jimin-" Seokjin starts to warn him, before Jimin cuts him off, already knowing what he was going to say as he's heard it every single morning.

"Be more careful, yeah Hyung, I know." 

Seokjin huffs and mumbles under his breath.

"You tell me basically every morning but I never do listen though, do I?" 

"What is it with the young ones and the sass today?" Seokjin sighs, leaning back in his chair. 

"Oh yeah, does anyone know where Taehyungie is? He was with me last night then suddenly, he disappeared...?" 

Seokjin shares a quick glance with Namjoon before he points around the corner to Jungkook and Namjoon's shared room.

"With Jungkook?" Jimin questions.

Seokjin just keeps gesturing wildly with his hands and Jimin walks away in the direction he's gesturing to, still looking at his Hyung weirdly, whilst Namjoon coxes a brow in his direction. 

"Shut-up Joonie," He grumbles.

"I didn't even say anything Hyung!"

"Your face says it all, don't argue with me and continue tapping away on your laptop." 

"I thought you said you liked conversation though Hyung?" 

"Namjoon!" 

"Alright! Alright, I'll keep tapping away...aish." 

**-**

Jimin tries his best to wake the two boys back up. They were cutting it close to the filming time and Jimin resisted the urge to smack them silly. (Gently, of course. He's an angel after all)

"Taehyung-ah," Jimin whispers softly, shaking the younger boy slightly, carefully detaching Jungkook's tight grip from around Taehyung small frame, Jimin trying so hard not to coo from how small Taehyung looked when lying with Jungkook, even though Taehyung's shoulders were broader even though Jungkook had more muscle.

"Taehyungie, you need to get up." 

Jimin pondered for a moment, realising that this wouldn't work and that he would probably need a better approach towards the situation at hand. He really didn't want to get plan B, but if they wouldn't wake up, he'd have to get someone to pinch some nipples and that's just, not his cup of tea really.

**-**

Upon feeling someone shaking him awake, Taehyung began to stir in his sleep, mumbling incoherently as his eyes fluttered open a second time, trying to take in his surroundings as he was still half asleep. He wishes he wasn't such a light sleeper.

"Jiminie," He sleepily murmurs, "s'all good? Blindly sitting up, Taehyung remembers to grip onto the pillow and not Jungkook this time, who was, in fact, sleeping like a baby, the warm feeling in his chest returning when he looks down at the maknae, a small frown evident on his face at the sudden loss of Taehyung. He wonders what the emotion is that he's been feeling lately.

"You have to get up now, seriously, duty calls and whatnot."  

"5 more minutes?" He sweetly begs, eyelashes fluttering. He knows it won't work, not on Jimin, but that doesn't stop him from smiling. 

"No." 

"Yes?" 

"No. Up, now." 

Taehyung huffs and scrunches his nose up in fake annoyance, laughing quietly when Jimin pinches his arm and he jolts away, accidentally backing into Jungkook who groans again, tightening his hold on Taehyung. He freezes only for a moment before he eases into his hold again, giving Jimin an apologetic look, and tells him that he will get up after he deals with Jungkook. Jimin scurries away before he gets attacked by an angry Jungkook.  

Since Taehyung has nothing to distract him anymore, and since he was wide awake now, he was hyper-aware of things that were happening around him, like the distant chatter from the kitchen, the shower running from the bathroom and humming coming from somewhere in the dorm. These are the moments Taehyung likes the most, knowing he's in a house full of people, the house is alive and so is he. He loves waking up to noise, as much as it can be annoying, it reminds him he isn't so alone, and that he has his family here with him. He's also very aware of Jungkook breathing deeply down his neck, tickling him, and is a little shocked when a cold nose brushes against it too. Taehyung didn't know what to do, or how to feel. All he knew is that he was enjoying this moment. He squirmed around some more, trying to get comfy and trying to escape the 'death grip' Jungkook had on him. He continued to squirm around, completely oblivious to the fact that Jungkook, slowly waking up was more than a little turned on as Taehyung kept moving around on his lap. 

Jungkook sucks in a breath, eyes flying open when he feels the weight on his crotch and he quickly brings his arms to grip Taehyung's waist, immediately getting the older to stay still.  _What the fuck was going on?_ Taehyung whips his head around, locking eyes with a breathless Jungkook, dangerous glint in his eyes which was quickly replaced with confusion, desperately trying to blink the sleep away. 

"Hyung what... what are you doing?" He rasps out, voice still laced with sleep. 

"Oh, you're awake!" Taehyung exclaimed, smiling brightly that it had Jungkook blinking faster, trying to catch up with what was happening, and he couldn't focus well when he had Taehyung practically grinding on his crotch, even if he was reading the situation wrong. Jungkook easily became flustered, hands still holding Taehyung's waist, and as if the touch had burnt him, he quickly removed his hands.

"We have to get up now." Taehyung pouted, his tone soft and Jungkook swore he saw a flash of disappointment flash in his eyes but was all too quickly replaced again and Jungkook was sure his mind was playing tricks on him. 

"Can't we have like, 5 more minutes?" He whines, letting his head fall back against the arm of the sofa, his neck starting to cramp up, strained from the uncomfortable position but he couldn't care less at this point, still half asleep and a specific person sat in between his legs. 

"That's what I said!" He exclaims happily, "But we were supposed to be up like almost an hour ago. Look where we are now Kookie." Taehyung sighed deeply, reluctantly climbing off of Jungkook to sit on the edge of the bed, stretching his legs out. 

When Jungkook finally woke up a bit more, mind refreshed and no longer in a sleepy haze, (also working that bit better seeing as he didn't have Taehyung as close.) Normally Jungkook thinking wouldn't be a good thing, but for now, it was what he needed. He was lucky he didn't get too turned on in that moment, cheeks flushed just thinking about the whole ordeal. Jungkook noticed that Taehyung didn't really seem fazed at all, and really, why should he be? It wasn't like Taehyung had any embarrassing thoughts that haunted him or like he had a single awkward bone in his body, no awkwardness he could throw into a seemingly platonic, innocent situation. No, that was just Jungkook overthinking little things and making a big deal out of nothing. It still didn't help to calm the irregular beating of his heart. 

Maybe Jungkook jumped into things too quickly, and really all he needed was a bit more time away from Taehyung, but he couldn't be so sure anymore. He could try it again, separate himself, not necessarily ignore to any full extent but he thought it would be no use doing so seeing as he had just gotten back into the swing of what things used to be like. It would only confirm the Hyung's suspicions that something was wrong when really nothing was. 

Taehyung always seemed so simple, so comfortable, so touchy. And as the youngest, with perhaps the worst hormones to deal with, - It's difficult a lot of the time, especially with what he has to hide. It's hard for him not to read too much into specific things, like Taehyung's glances, his extra-long hugs or casual skinship. It's hard for Jungkook who actually harbours the biggest crush on him not to pretend like he doesn't feel anything for him pretends that he doesn't feel like what they have now can turn into something more Because all of that is just wishful thinking. Taehyung acts like this with nearly everybody. Maybe that's the hardest part of all. 

Jungkook isn't special, although sometimes when he can't get too sleep when he's all alone, he'll let his mind wander, imagine what it would be like to be more than friends. About how it would feel for the extended hugs to turn into goodnight kisses or the platonic, 'I love you's' to turn into,  _'I'm in love with you.'_ But he can only afford to do that sometimes. For the most part, Jungkook has to bury these thoughts deep down, act like he's fine with just being best friends, members. And as much as he loves Taehyung,  _craves_ him, he would never want to destroy the great friendship they have built, the bond that's grown strong. He can't wreck the best thing that's ever happened to him.

Jungkook sighs, rubbing his eyes with his hand, not daring to look at Taehyung anymore like a switch has just been flipped in the room. The feeling's he's so accustomed to pushing away teeter dangerously close to the surface and it makes him feel nauseous. Jungkook knows there's something unspoken between them. 

With one final look, Jungkook rushes to shower and get ready in time for the camera crew to finish setting up, Taehyung follows behind, lost in thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear I'm such a softy for soft cuddly taekook, gosh. 
> 
> I also almost had a heart attack because I deleted this chapter accidentally whilst writing it, but managed to restore it (thank god!) so if it wasn't for that I probably would've cried. A lot. 
> 
> Nevertheless, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. 
> 
> Please leave kudos and comment below, I'd appreciate it :))


	10. eleven

_**NIGHTMARE**  _

**-**

**BANGTAN HOUSE:**

**BERGEN, NORWAY, 2016**

**-**

 

They had arrived safely thankfully and made it all the way to their house they're staying in without a lot of trouble. Jimin managed to lose his bag but things like that happen all the time and Jungkook's sure it's not that big of a deal. 

They were lounging about, still in awe of the fact they were in Norway. The scenery was amazing, and everything was new to Jungkook, but in a good way. He's been to America when he was a trainee, but this was different. He had texted Taehyung a few times, only receiving limited responses but Jungkook understood, he was a little busy after all. With the texts they had shared, he knows how much Taehyung misses them all and is crestfallen he hasn't joined them on their little journey so far. 

Jungkook doesn't have to be too sad, however, as he knows some point tomorrow Taehyung will join up with them again. The mere thought of seeing Taehyung again stirred something within him. He was excited, even though he doesn't really get as to why seeing as he sees him so many times, (mostly every day,) but Taehyung changes with the weather, so Jungkook always has something new to look forward to with the elder. He also can't wait for some more cuddles. Sure he has cuddles with the other members, but nothing could compare to Taehyung. Maybe he was a little more bias, but Taehyung...he just...Jungkook can't explain it. He's sure he doesn't need to either. 

Putting his phone on charge, he lies down on the sofa, resting his legs on Yoongi's lap, not even gaining a reaction from him. He seemed unbothered, so Jungkook just laid back even more and sighed, closing his eyes. 

A voice jolts him from his 'relaxation time'.

"What's up Kook," Yoongi questions, Jungkook opens one eye to stare at him. "You look so deflated. Is it because  _Taehyung_  isn't here?" Yoongi snickers, playfully jabbing a finger into Jungkook's side. Jungkook had a protest on the tip of his tongue, but he thought it would be useless seeing as he could feel his cheeks heating up at the mere mention of Taehyung's name. It didn't help the way Yoongi said it either as if he was intentionally teasing him. After seeing the youngers scowl and rosy cheeks, Yoongi laughed. "Oh! So it is Taehyungie then. You're so cute Kookie,"

Jungkook gave Yoongi a glare, but the older seemed to have a devious glint in his eyes, like he was on the verge of saying something else, but didn't say it. He didn't know what the Yoongi was looking so happy, but it made Jungkook uncomfortable and anxious. "Don't look at me like that." Jungkook huffed, puffing out his cheeks and turning his head to the side, away from Yoongi. 

"Like what?" 

"Like you know something I don't." 

Yoongi chuckled, staring hard at his phone. "Maybe I do," He teases, laughing at the frown the younger gives him before shaking his head still chuckling. 

"Great." He mutters, and Yoongi watches the way he bites down on the insides of his lips, nervously fiddling with his fingers. Jungkook sighs and drops his arms to his side.  

"I'm just kidding Kook, but if there is anything you want to talk about, I'm always here. And I mean it, _anything._ Big or small, everyone is here for you alright? Jungkook watches concern etch across Yoongi's features. 

"I know Hyung. We can talk about it after the trip yeah?" Yoongi smiles and nods, patting Jungkook's knee. 

"Of course. Taehyung should be here around lunch tomorrow maybe? Didn't realise how much I would miss that kid for a day really, eh?" 

"Yeah," Jungkook whispers lost in thought. He really misses Taehyung. 

**-**

The next day arrives, and true to Yoongi's words, Taehyung meets them at around lunch. They're filming, but he doesn't focus on the cameras when Taehyung is next to him, fingers sprawled on the back of his neck, the touch burning in the back of his neck. He figures it's all sweaty from the walking and hiking they did, but Taehyung doesn't seem to mind. They both smile enthusiastically at each other, bathing in the company that they both missed more than they realised. Everyone's happy to have Taehyung safe and with them again. Jungkook can now enjoy things without feeling guilty, without feeling like Taehyung was missing out. Jungkook could finally breathe with the other by his side.  

_(He may have taken a few sneaky photos of Taehyung with his camera whilst they were recording, but what the others didn't know wouldn't hurt them.)_

 

**-**

**BANGTAN CARAVAN:**

**FINLAND, JULY 2016**

**-**

 

A few days later, they end up in Finland.

It's dark and eerily quiet outside, as expected for about half one in the morning. They had just all finished up their food and started getting ready to sleep. They're exhausted from the day's activities no doubt, wanting nothing more than to succumb to dreamland. Jungkook leans over the side of his bunk to look down at Taehyung.  _"Hyuuung,"_ he calls out, _"Taehyung-ah,"_  When Jungkook gets no response he's acutely aware that the elder has probably already fallen into a deep sleep, in a small heap on the floor by his feet. The makeshift table-bed looks comfy from where Jungkook's positioned up top, but he's not sure if it's just the way Taehyung seems to make it look that way. Hoseok and Seokjin were already in bed, both cuddled up on either side of Jungkook and Yoongi was sleeping above Jimin on the far side. 

Jimin, Hoseok, Jungkook and Taehyung had been awake for a while, talking and laughing about random things. Somewhere along the way, Taehyung must have fallen asleep. It makes Jungkook chuckle at how Taehyung has always been bad at staying up late. 

"Night guys," Jimin calls out sleepily, heading for his bunk bed. He grabs a pillow from his bunk and places it gently underneath Taehyung's head for extra support. "Sleep well Jungkookie," he says and walks back over to his bunk with a yawn. 

Jungkook stays leaning upright for a few more minutes, watching Taehyung, more specifically the rise and fall of his chest. Maybe it was a little creepy, but it was somewhat comforting for Jungkook. He's enjoying their time away, but he does get little bouts of homesickness now and again. He finds Taehyung to be the best cure. Taehyung feels like home. He looks vulnerable when he sleeps, like a little angel. Jungkook's heart starts beating faster.  

Jungkook was afraid, fucking terrified of his feelings to put it simply. It was wrong to be in love with his best friend. It was wrong for him to be in love with another boy. At least, that's what he's been told. Jungkook never thought it was wrong. He always thought it was okay to like who you want to like. It's not like it affects anyone else. But he knows how it works out. He likes to hope his family wouldn't be disappointed with him. He knows a lot of other people would be disgusted with him. Jungkook didn't want to be burdened with this in the slightest. 

He couldn't stop his feelings. Taehyung made him happier than anyone ever had. Taehyung was always there for him, no matter how small the problem was. Even if Jungkook knew he was overreacting or upset, Taehyung always acted like the other was the only person he could focus on. Jungkook loved it - maybe a little too much. Jungkook appreciated Taehyung a lot. They both had nights were both of them would complain about themselves, how they didn't want to be an idol and how shit they were at everything. Those nights always ended up the same. They'd hold hands in one of the beds, talking about everything going on. Jungkook liked the feeling of Taehyung finding solace in him and being able to tell him all of his feelings. 

It makes Jungkook a little guilty when he wasn't completely honest about why he feels down most days. But how is he supposed to explain that gut-wrenching feeling he feels whenever he locks eyes with Taehyung? How is he supposed to explain that he's drowning in something he can't even put his finger on. All it leads to is sad covers and fake smiles. How is Jungkook supposed to explain? Simple, he can't. He has to suck up all of his stupid feelings and stuff them deep down his throat. There was no other way. 

he climbs down quietly from above, landing with a soft thud on the wooden flooring, standing over Taehyung. He looks up at where he was before, shoulders hunched up, scanning closely to see if he had woken anyone up. Seokjin and Hoseok were sprawled out, soft snores emitting throughout the cramped space. Jungkook leans down to brush Taehyung's bangs out of his face. He missed the fiery red hair the elder wore previously, but he welcomed the chocolate brown with a warm smile, the colour matching Taehyung's eyes perfectly. His thoughts drift briefly back to Namjoon. Jungkook had felt awful when he had to leave early all because he lost his passport. It's always like this when a member is missing, like a puzzle that's missing one piece. They're all disheartened about it but have decided to give him so many hugs and cuddles when they get back. His hyungs always lose everything. _Silly hyungs._

Taehyung lets out a deep sigh gaining back Jungkook's attention. He really does look peaceful,  _beautiful_ his brain helpfully adds. Truly, there had never been an age gap between Taehyung and Jungkook. The others know this well enough, reminding them to be careful in public, giving them an earful especially because of a large percentage of the fans 'shipping' them together. That sort of talk always leaves Jungkook feeling uncomfortable, an agitated twisting sensation in his stomach. Taehyung always,  _always_ _,_ brushes the comments off with a laugh, bringing Jungkook closer smugly. He hates how easy it is for Taehyung. The last time someone had said something resulted in Taehyung slinging an arm around his torso from behind, resting his head on his shoulder, saying:  _"We do love each other, don't we Kookie-ah?"_ And Jungkook always nodded and forced out a choked laugh. Of course, he loved Taehyung. He loved all of the members. But maybe, he  _unquestionably_  loved Taehyung a little bit more. That deeply concerned him. 

Taehyung mumbles something incoherent below him cutely, his husky voice infiltrating his ears. Jungkook's also always loved Taehyung voice. From the very first second of hearing it, he knew he'd never get enough. He loved it more when they had to practice for hours on end and Taehyung was there, whispering some weird jokes or words of encouragement in his ears sending them both in fits of giggles. Taehyung always knew what to say to Jungkook. He reaches out a hand and places it gently on Taehyung's cheek, fondly rubbing his thumb back and forth over the smooth skin. 

Jungkook panics suddenly, checking around, frantically scanning the room for the cameras he saw earlier. He spots one, tucked in the corner and his shoulders sag in relief when he sees it's turned off. He knows they're on a timer, if he thinks back to a conversation earlier, he's sure he remembers someone saying they would turn back on at six am or something like that. He's just happy they're not filming these moments. He wouldn't hear the end of it.

He continues feeling around Taehyung's skin, taking his time, finding pleasure from doing this without the constant watch of cameras looming behind him or someone looking over his shoulder every minute. His skin is a little cold and Jungkook frowns. Without too much thought, he scoops Taehyung up, lets him wriggle around for a few seconds before laying him out in a better position on a bunk bed, taking the blanket and pooling it around his shoulders. Jungkook sits on the edge, pondering whether he should slide in beside him. It's an inward struggle Jungkook normally faces. He hardly gets the desire to cuddle up beside the other members but with Taehyung, he finds he always wants to. 

Jungkook always cuts his thoughts off when they get a little too heavy when they're full of too much Taehyung and the word  _love._ He just doesn't want to think anymore. He reluctantly gets up, looking at Taehyung's sleeping form for a few more precious seconds before he starts walking back to his own bunk, wondering how the hell he was supposed to climb back up when Seokjin and Hoseok were sprawled across the bunk like fucking _starfishes._ He'd prefer to share with Taehyung all the time, but he was always worried that the others would see straight through his actions and even he, himself would have to face up to them again. 

_"Stay Kookie,"_

Jungkook head jerks up, looking down at where the husky voice came from, but Taehyung's eyes are closed, lips in a pout, eyebrows furrowed. Jungkook can't think because  _did Taehyung just?_ Maybe Jungkook should really sleep some more. He's starting to hear voices that sound scarily similar to Taehyung's. Maybe it's the lack of sleep that makes him climb beside Taehyung, fitting snuggly under the covers, trying to leave some distance between them. 

It doesn't really work because in the next second Taehyung is flush against him, throwing an arm over his chest and Jungkook's breath hitches when Taehyung pulls him closer to him, legs intertwining. Jungkook doesn't know why he is so hot and bothered, they've done this so many times. Maybe it's the fact he's super tired and Taehyung looks like such a  _serene_  angel it makes him want to cry. Taehyung always clings to Jungkook when they sleep together. Jungkook was less inclined to initiate skinship, but always let Taehyung do whatever he wanted. He remains frozen momentarily. 

Jungkook eventually feels the sleep behind his eyelid build, tugging his eyelids downwards, finally forcing him to relax, melting into Taehyung's touch. He shuffled closer unconsciously. Jungkook breathes in his familiar scent, lulled to sleep with a strong feeling of safety. 

**-**

Jungkook blinks blearily, taking in his surroundings. He's always disorientated as fuck in the mornings. He turns over, almost yelping in surprise when he's met with Taehyung's face staring right at him, watching him in amusement through half-lidded eyes. Jungkook smiles and Taehyung kisses his arm, closing his eyes and letting sleep pull him under again. Jungkook blushes at the action a little more than he should have, gaining the sudden courage to kiss his cheek, watching the way Taehyung's face lights up, a foolish smile drawing his lips upwards. 

Jungkook thinks he could get used to this every morning. He bathes in happiness, preparing himself for the day ahead. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fuckity, fuck what did I write. 
> 
> Sorry if these chapters are extremely boring and I'm not writing them quick enough, I want everything in this story to be near perfect and I'm so slow at doing things. 
> 
> Anyways, hope you enjoyed this chapter. 
> 
> Please leave kudos and comment below, I'd appreciate it :))


	11. twelve

**NIGHTMARE**

**-**

**BANGTAN DORM:**

**2016,,**

**-**

 

Jungkook doesn't exactly know what he's doing, but he decides he's had enough. For countless months he's been forced to swallow down emotions he's felt. He hasn't been sleeping or eating properly, even the others have caught on, back to asking if he's okay and if he's resting well, worries piling onto his shoulders, because the last thing he wants to be is a burden, not when they've been working so hard lately. When his hyung's get back late in the morning, he is swarmed with guilt because he sees how hard his hyung's work, and sure, they all do work hard, but when he's spent more time in his own little world of thoughts, he hasn't been checking up on anyone else. Even though he's the youngest, the hyungs dont make it seem that way. He'll always be the maknae, but that doesn't mean he can't help others just because he's younger than them. He feels terrible because normally there isn't much he can do, and only telling his hyungs his problems would add to the stress they bear. Sometimes he forgets that they're human and can't be expected to be perfect 24/7. Jungkook knows he still has a lot to learn.

So on most days, he keeps himself busy with packed schedules, months fly past and he wonders where all the time went. But late at night, when it all gets a bit too much, he finds himself lying in bed, staring at the clock on the wall, watching the minute hand slowly go round, and round and _round._ He's spent months feeling confused, lonely and distant when all he really needs is advice and someone he can trust. A helping hand. Something that can make him feel at ease. Jungkook almost wants to laugh because he's such an idiot. He's lived over six years with the other members and he loves and trusts them, so why can't he bring himself to say something to them? He knows they all respect him, and he respects them. They're a family first and foremost. What does he have to be so scared of?

He understands that potentially coming out to the people he loves is scary because he doesn't know how they'll react, but this is his family, his _brothers._ They would never judge him or make him feel ashamed for what he was feeling, or at least, that's what he kept telling himself as he went around the dorm, scouting for the one and only, Min Yoongi.

(Because something about that hyung made Jungkook feel safe, protected - including his Taehyungie of course.)

"Hyung," Jungkook wanders into the living room watching as the room slowly goes quiet and six sets of eyes turn to look up at him expectantly. He sighs, running a hand through his hair before clarifying he wanted to speak to Yoongi. The other five turn away and get back to whatever they were talking about before he interrupted he doesn't miss Taehyung's gaze on him for a little longer. Yoongi blinks up at him.

"Yah Jungkook-ah?" he questions, following a nervous Jungkook to his room.

Jungkook closes the door and perches at the end of Yoongi's bed, his hyung sitting next to him, brows furrowed as he watches the way Jungkook fiddles with the skin around his fingers, a nervous habit he knows the younger does often. They sit in the silence for a few more seconds before he hears Jungkook sigh and turn to face him. "Hyung... I...I have a friend that needs some....advice."

Yoongi sits straighter, utterly perplexed, but goes along with what Jungkook was saying. Yoongi was no idiot when it came to the younger, hell, he had been living with him since pre-debut. There was no hiding anything, and possibly Jungkook knew that too. But still, Yoongi nodded along with Jungkook, showing no signs of knowing what Jungkook truly means. He knows the younger is hiding something, and he doesn't want to pressure him into anything. No one wants a closed off Jungkook.

When Jungkook sees Yoongi nodding, eyes shining with curiosity, he pauses to collect his thoughts and continues.

"So... in a hypothetical situation, if a friend of yours says he has fallen for his best friend, but they are forbidden to be together, what advice would you give that friend?" It comes out rushed, and Jungkook finds himself not wanting to look up. He can feel a pair of eyes drill into his skull. He's scared, and he feels like a fool because he didn't mean to make it into a hypothetical situation but actually meant to make it about himself, saying he needs help but here he is, not having the guts to speak up. What Yoongi says next has him tensing, heart rate spiking.

"You're talking about yourself right Gukkie?"

"What? No, it's a hypothetical" Jungkook panics, eyes as wide as saucers. Maybe he wasn't so ready for this. He finally looks up into his hyung's eyes, only to see him smiling softly. He couldn't even kid himself in this situation, sighing audibly. But he hopes it's enough. Maybe he should've just kept quiet then all of this would-

"Jungkook, I'm not an idiot."

He bows his head down, tears threatening to drip down his face, he sniffles and looks up again, eyes sorrowful and guilty. He doesn't dare look up, not when he knows all he will see is hate, disgust, anything. Even if deep down he is sure Yoongi will support him, he still can't bring himself to look anywhere except his own hands twitching nervously. "I'm sorry hyung."

"Why are you apologising you fool?" Yoongi chuckles and ruffles the younger's head, Jungkook sucks in a breath from shock, flinching a little from the sudden contact. He sees Yoongi frown.

"Jungkook, It's okay, you know? You don't have to say anything. I'm not disgusted, you know that right?"

Jungkook stays quiet, tracing circles around his sweaty palm like it were the most interesting thing to do on earth.

Upon seeing Jungkook tilting his head more, shoulders folding, Yoongi becomes shocked. He wonders how long the younger has been holding this in. Even if he had his suspicions, he is still startled by how he could possibly think they'd be disgusted. "Guk, oh my god is this why you've been acting so weirdly for what? Months?"

"I uh...yeah. I'm sorry Hyung."

"Don't apologise!"

Jungkook flinches at Yoongi's sudden rise of his voice, sitting on the bed in shock, hands cold but still clammy. "Please...d-don't shout," He whispers, the tears he tried so hard to keep in threatening to fall, vision becoming blurred.

"Oh, shi-shoot... I didn't mean to." Yoongi says softly, pulling the younger into a warm hug, albeit a bit awkward but Jungkook is thankful, relieved beyond belief. It almost makes him want to laugh at how panicked he was, but when he was in a country that looked down upon people like him... his mind is set on thinking that things could only go bad. All those nightmares where something could go wrong disappear, sure, this is just one out of seven, but he is closer to being accepted. You couldn't even blame Jungkook, the strict rules of being anything but straight in the community looms over all idols like some sort of stigma filled shit storm. Jungkook prayed that things would only continue more smoothly, curling his arms against Yoongi's small frame, breathing in the smell of his hyung, comfort seeping through him. "I'm pretty sure none of us is straight you know...I mean, you could guess from our lyrics. We've never talked about it, but you can just tell, you can feel it, and that's okay Guk. Don't even be ashamed okay? Hyung is here, hyung will protect you."

Jungkook lets the tears fall. He never realised how much he needed to hear those words. Yoongi gently pushes the younger backwards so he is facing him, and stares into the younger's bright eyes, smiling ever so softly it makes Jungkook want to cry harder. "Jungkook, remember this; love is not something you can control. Love is a feeling which doesn't choose gender, it just tugs you without hesitation."

"I think you've been spending too much time with Namjoonie hyung." Jungkook jokes and giggles when he receives a light slap on his arm.

"You brat!" Yoongi smiles his gummy smile, eyes still holding some seriousness. "Thank you for speaking about this with me. I honestly believe that gender doesn't matter, love is love, and no one can stop that."

Jungkook's admiration for Yoongi skyrockets and he carves the older's words into his heart, saves it for later to remind himself whenever things get hard.

"I'm guessing I'm the first one you spoke to about this?"

Jungkook nods his head in confirmation and Yoongi doesn't even look shocked, he just looks away as if he's thinking, and Jungkook is really, really glad that this conversation hasn't gone wrong, or hasn't become awkward like he has imagined it too so many times before.

"We should probably talk to the others though."

Jungkook looks up confused, the words making him a little more anxious than he need be.

"I could see you bottling so many things up, and if you are no longer worried after telling me, then I can't exactly force you to tell anyone else, but I'm sure you'll feel better afterwards.

Jungkook nods again and stops fiddling with his thumbs, he bites his lips worriedly when he thinks of telling the others.

"And Taehyungie?"

Jungkook whips his head whips up at the sound of his name, blood running cold, heart skipping a beat. "What about him?" Jungkook feels his cheeks heating up.

"He's the one you're confused with right? I'm not going to sugarcoat it, but... that's dangerous. You need to know what you're doing."

Jungkook can't disagree with Yoongi, nor can he try and make the situation more positive. He knows its dangerous, he's practically playing with fire and if he's not careful he's going to get burnt, Taehyung alongside him.

"I think I know, but honestly, hyung, I'm really, really confused. I know what I want, but I don't want to ruin anything for us all, I... don't want me or my feelings getting in the way of what everyone's tried so hard to create here. That's selfish of me and I couldn't live with myself if I was the reason we... we..."

Jungkook choked on his words. He has thought about BTS disbanding because of him and his stupid emotions so many times, but saying it out loud, saying his biggest secret to someone he admired so much... it was difficult. He puts his face in his hands and lets his shoulders droop, a stray tear sliding down his cheek.

"Would you be happier?"

"Huh?" Jungkook raises his head and looks at Yoongi expectantly, hoping for the older to continue as he didn't make any sense, wiping his face with his hoodie sleeve.

"Would you be happier if you were with Taehyung? If you would stop having to avoid everyone?" Yoongi stares straight into Jungkook's eyes the seriousness burning through him. Wetting his cracked lips and swallowing the lump in his throat, Jungkook nods feebly for what feels like the hundredth time that night.

"Then I support you 100 percent. Your happiness will always be a first, everyone's happiness in Bangtan comes first, even if there are risks involved. I'm sure the others will agree if you are open about it. Like I said, aren't we family? We all go down together or we don't go down at all. I have your back."

Jungkook embraces Yoongi, and a few more tears escape his eyes, but he's happy, he feels a small weight has been lifted off his shoulders and he can breathe finally.

That's all the confirmation they both need, Yoongi soothingly rubbing a hand down Jungkook's back that he almost laughs at, Yoongi rarely shows his affection with hugs, but he knows when they are needed the most when he needs to show his love.

Yoongi supports Jungkook and has his back, just like Jungkook has his, and that's all he needs, for now.

He sends one more smile as Yoongi gets up to leave so that Jungkook could think for a while.

**-**

Jungkook knew what a bad idea this was, but he still went ahead with it.

He had tried to get some sleep, but he felt restless, inspired to do something, which leads him to where he is right now, writing some lyrics but stuck on ideas for this song he has been writing, his small notebook is scrawled with random words, none of it even makes any sense and he is getting a little frustrated that he can't express all that he wants to say in a small song.

He knows he wants to write about a one-sided love, he has been wanting to for a while, and he thought it would be the best way to get his emotions and feelings across like he did with his song begin that was ultimately successful in the end. It also doesn't help that his hormones are raging today of all days, going through jealousy, sadness, hopefulness and now sexual frustration.

He would be able to sort himself out with a shower, but it being late at night and his hyungs would get suspicious, put two and two together and realise why the younger is having a shower. Even if they wouldn't get suspicious, Jungkook would rather not risk it at this point. He could also quickly release himself but he doesn't have a lock on his door, and there was some sort of unspoken rule between all of the members that it's better to do it when you have the dorm to yourself otherwise you could get caught and it's too painstakingly awkward. It's already happened too many times before, rip to Jungkook's poor eyes. He shouldn't find it that awkward or embarrassing, he's a man too, he knows what it's like, he just can't help but flush the brightest shade of red and stutter like crazy because it's like finding your parents having sex, rushing out of the room with multiple apologies. It's just not a sight he really wants to see.

He takes a breath to steady himself, feeling like a child that just stole a cookie from the cookie jar and decides; fuck it. He wants to forget, for the most part. He unscrews the cap of a freshly bought bottle of soju he found in the kitchen a few days ago and takes a big gulp. It burns, of course. He remembers the time he had first done this, a few years back with Taehyung and Jimin. He still hates the taste, and he isn't surprised because he can hardly handle the taste of coffee. He guesses he's already affected by the way his chest swarms with warmth. He was bracing himself to take another gulp, lips moulded around the top of the bottle before he could hear his door opening and closing softly and he finds Taehyung standing at the door. He doesn't quite know what to do because he's been caught chugging down a bottle of alcohol that he shouldn't have had in the first place, but something about Taehyung's expression tells him that he wouldn't be told off.

Jungkook gets up to close the door behind them with an air of secrecy. He sits back down on the bed, grabs the suspicious looking bottle and grins up at Taehyung mischievously. He had originally wanted to get drunk alone, thinking it would help him to come up with something, but he wouldn't mind Taehyung joining him, wouldn't mind them spending some time together. Taehyung raises a perfectly shaped, thick brow, "What's that?" He demands, takes a step closer and grabs it out of Jungkook's tight grip. _Now or never, right?_

_Or maybe, Jungkook was going to get told off._

"Soju?" He asks, confusion lacing his tone. Jungkook clamps a hand over his mouth to stifle a giggle. He nods like a fool. Fuck, is he already tipsy?

Taehyung looks at him reproachfully but Jungkook can just tell, he's biting back a massive grin. "You're such an idiot Kook-ah. Why do you even have this? Are you even sober?"

Jungkook scrunches his nose up. "I'm moderately functional."

Taehyung sighs and chuckles, "I'll take that as a no then. Have you ever had a proper drink before?"

He shakes his head forcefully. Jungkook knows Taehyung hasn't either, yes they both have gotten a little hazy off some cheap beer back in 2014. Being the lightweights they were back then was enough for a few cans of beer to make them drunk. But that was nowhere near close to what they know they have yet to experience. Jungkook knows Taehyung's a little afraid of alcohol, and while Jimin has stolen a few sneaky sips with the older boys now and again, Taehyung had been more than content to stay at home with Jungkook watching drama reruns and anime.

[ Not that Jungkook was complaining. ]

"Doesn't matter where I got it from," Jungkook says, voice slurring a tiny bit, he reaches out for Taehyung and pulls him onto his bed. "Wanna try some?"

Taehyung frowns, shakes his head but Jungkook can see the glimmer of curiosity in his deep, brown orbs. "Fine," He says, placing the bottle to his lips and takes another big swig, Taehyung's eyes widening. Fuck. Jungkook feels his cheek flush, knows how hot he is getting as his throat becomes sore from the intake of the sharp liquor. He can feel himself get a little dizzy, has to place a hand on Taehyung's knee to steady himself, letting the feel of his skin burn his hand more than the alcohol down his throat did.

"Looks like you just drank bleach,"Taehyung sniggers, shoulders shaking with the beginning of laughter. Jungkook grimaces because yes _,_ although he hasn't tried bleach - he presumes it tastes pretty similar to this. He starts to think that maybe this wasn't a good idea. _He suddenly wonders how the hell people like this shit._

"It's not that bad," He lies, avoiding Taehyung's eyes, glimmering with amusement. "I'm gonna have some more," he says, competitive side flaring up. He can't bear to see Taehyung so obviously laughing at him. "Stop Guk." Taehyung chuckles, his long, slender fingers coming to rest over Jungkook's clammy ones, gently tugging the bottle out of his grasp.

 _Guk._ If it was any other day, Jungkook wouldn't have minded being called that. In fact, Taehyung was the only person he didn't mind giving him nicknames, there was just something about him when they first debuted, something that pulled him in and refused to let him go. Feelings that had only got stronger and a world that had only got bigger. Taehyung made him feel free, alive. He made him feel special. But tonight, the nickname hurts his ears, said in nothing but fondness. It pisses him off because Taehyung is so unaware, so oblivious to his feelings. It's stupid really, his hyung was so intelligent with everything else, but as soon as it came to emotions, he was nowhere to be seen.

He snatches the bottle back, gulping down more than he could handle, tears shining in his eyes when he takes it away from his lips with a smacking sound, setting it down on his lap with a triumphant smile, wavering a bit as his throat tingles and tongue feels heavy in his mouth. Taehyung exhales and moves forward to wipe away the liquid collected on his chin. For some reason, the subtle touch of Taehyung's thumb burns Jungkook, and he reels back abruptly from it. Jungkook bites his lip. Their close proximity always manages to make him do stupid shit, so he would rather not get too close. Tonight he is a loose cannon, a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. It worries him but he swallows down his emotions with the bitter taste of alcohol.  

"You're so stupid," Taehyung laughs, brushing off how Jungkook had moved back, "But I will not let you do dumb shit alone." Before Jungkook can even register just how foul the aftertaste is in his mouth, Taehyung's grabbing the bottle, swigging back the rest of it. _Half,_ to be exact. His eyes widen, astounded as he follows the liquid down Taehyung's smooth, tanned throat, watching his adam's apple bounce. It's surprisingly mesmerising and makes something stir in Jungkook's stomach. _What is he even thinking?_

Maybe he's drunk. Maybe this is what being drunk is really like. Maybe this was a mistake.

Taehyung makes no attempt to conceal his expression which makes Jungkook chuckle watching his eyes widen in disgust and horror. "Fuck," He exclaims, sticking his tongue out in distaste. "How do people like this," He licks his lips and sticks his tongue out again, I'm never drinking this again." Jungkook blinks up at him and forces himself not to laugh. 

"My throats burning." Taehyung groans, prompting Jungkook to break out into a fit of laughter. "What the actual fuck Guk," Taehyung whines, hitting him weakly in the stomach. "Why'd you make me do that?" He pouts as he stares into Jungkook's eyes, who has trouble trying not to pinch Taehyung's chubby cheeks with his hands. As if Taehyung knew what he was doing, he licks his lips slowly, and Jungkook has to turn away, shakily exhaling. God, he doesn't know what he's doing, but he just wants to kiss the older. So badly it hurts. Jungkook purses his lips and turns away.

"You won't let me do dumb shit alone," Jungkook echoes Taehyung's earlier words. Taehyung rolls his eyes and Jungkook just wants to laugh and cry. There's something about the older that Jungkook can't explain and it drives him crazy. He's a fool.

"At least we did it together," Taehyung says easily, the words rolling off his tongue smoothly. He drops his head on Jungkook's shoulder so naturally. Jungkook stiffens, he doesn't feel good anymore. Just a small touch and he's screaming internally. He is thoroughly screwed. It's happening again. He wishes Taehyung wasn't so natural, so easy. It makes Jungkook's head reel, pausing to regain his balance all the time, always catching up to Taehyung, making himself steady before he follows the wild older. The unpredictability should be normal to Jungkook, but it isn't. He thinks it will never be normal for Jungkook, there was simply no such thing. It scared him, sure, but he loves the excitement that follows, the type that makes his eyes widen in happiness, the type that he thinks is worth risking himself for.

Jungkook sighs and wraps an arm around Taehyung's back loosely. The feeling he has so carefully dealt with is rising back to the surface, his chest throbs. Courtesy of the alcohol he presumes. _Shit._ He tries not to feel him under his touch, tries not to think about it.

A memory flickers in the back of his mind suddenly, Jimin stumbling into the darkness of the living room where Jungkook was one evening. More than a little to drink, muttering some entirely strange shit about Yoongi. Jungkook had, of course, kept it to himself, he respected Jimin as a brother, knew he had no place to say anything. that doesn't mean he had forgotten though. Jimin laughed it off the next morning, told him never to drink because alcohol makes you say some crazy shit, complete nonsense. A quick google search later had Jungkook staring at the words, _alcohol makes you honest._

He guesses since then he had become more attuned to the shared looks his hyungs send each other, sees the fondness shine in their eyes. He wonders if he's like that with Taehyung. Is he too obvious?

Jungkook tenses and instinctively clenches his mouth tightly shut, scared he was to reveal any accidental declarations of love. _What a disaster that would be._ Taehyung exhales, breath warm -more so than usual- against the exposed skin of Jungkook's neck, tingling,  making him tense further. Jungkook's self-control continues to slowly disappear. He forces himself to not look at the elder's lips for he knows he would lean in and ruin everything.

"We need more," Taehyung mutters, and Jungkook turns to him in shock.

"I wanna go all the way," he says, face set in sudden determination. "Let's get drunk, together."

Jungkook looks at him blankly, because _what happened to 'never wanting to drink this again?'_ "But you said-"

Taehyung waves a hand at him, shutting him up. "Just this once, let's be a little crazy. We never get to be normal nowadays. We haven't been for a long time." He frowns. How could Jungkook say no to a face like that?

He grins, all tenseness melted from his shoulders. Jungkook wants to be free. "Okay," Somewhere in the back of his mind, someone is saying that this is a _terrible_ idea but Jungkook doesn't want to listen to his head, not anymore. Definitely not tonight.

It's true that they are a great pair, but also a truly disastrous pair, their hyungs just a door away, completely oblivious to what's going on with them inside.

Jungkook flashes a smile pulls out two more bottles he had stashed away, handing one over to Taehyung. Taehyung unscrews the lid, throws his head back and doesn't stop. Jungkook stares down as he downs the bottle entirely, breaking out into a pained coughing fit when he's done. Taehyung's face was screwed up in pain. "Just needed to get it over with," he explains, blinking back the tears that gathered in the corner of his eyes. Jungkook thinks he's beautiful like this, neck exposed as if he was just begging for it.

Jungkook nods and follows suit, the liquid burning down his throat. Not too long after that, the aftertaste settles in his mouth, a pleasant hum fuzzing his senses. The bleach taste from before is just an overwhelming _warmth._ It's nice. He feels the edges of his vision turn a little fuzzier. Good, he thinks, good.

"Let's go," Taehyung announces, chuckling as he reaches out to grab Jungkook's hand effortlessly. Their fingers intertwine and it's nice, even warmer and has Jungkook's heart skip a beat. Jungkook's lips turn upwards into a lazy smile, following his hyung wherever. "'Okiedokie" he whispers back, a little unsteady on his feet as he follows Taehyung.

Five seconds later and they get stopped by Jimin. "Where are you two going?" Jimin confronts them just as they reach the door clumsily reaching up to grab their coats. Jungkook sees Jimin's arms folded and one brow raised and tries his best not to laugh out loud.

"Just for a quick walk," Taehyung replies confidently, voice wavering just slightly.

Jimin gives them a strange look, accompanied by Seokjin's voice in the background saying "Are they drunk or something?" before they quickly run for it, stumbling around more than they were running, but holding on to each other tightly. Jungkook wishes he could stop time for a while. Just enough to let him bathe at this moment for a little longer.

When they get outside, the cool breeze of the night air nips at them. It's a shocking contrast to the warmth he feels inside. Taehyung closes his eyes and laughs, loud and unforgiving in the quiet of the night, and Jungkook decides he looks utterly ridiculous. "We're bulletproof Gukkie!" He reaches out again to hold his hand. Jungkook smiles, eyes softening at the sound of Taehyung's voice, his flushed red cheeks and bright, sparkling eyes. He's holding hands with an angel. An angel he loves dearly.

It reminds him of when he was fifteen, a small fish in a big pond, turning up at the big city of Seoul with big dreams, getting his wishes answered and ending up in the arms of six older men. What a story he has to tell. He wouldn't change any of it.

Well, to Jungkook Taehyung is always an angel, but tonight the alcohol puts more strength into the words, brings it to the forefront of his mind, the alcohol unrelenting not even giving him a chance to think straight. Jungkook finds he doesn't even care anymore, letting go of his worries and becoming free with his thoughts. He can do as he damn well pleases, no matter what others think.

_[Thank you Yoongi hyung.]_

"Come on," Jungkook tugs Taehyung's sleeve impatiently, breaking into a sprint down the street. Taehyung's laugh that makes Jungkook's heart pound echoes on the pavement, ringing pleasantly in Jungkook's ears. He's so warm, and it's odd - the feeling that the air is so cold but it can't penetrate him. And his hand is almost on fire from Taehyung's touch, his large hand clasped around his own, fingers intertwined. He's happy, they're happy. Nothing can harm them.

Holding hands is nice, he decides. Holding hands with Taehyung is so _much better._

_He just never wants to let go._

**-**

The thing about being drunk, Jungkook deciphers, is that it's incredibly easy to lose all track of time. It's even harder when he has an actual embodiment of a man-child clinging to his arm. He knows it shouldn't affect him, but the pounding of his heart is so loud he's sure anyone in a ten-foot radius would be able to hear it, and his smile is so wide he's sure he will wake up with an aching jaw. He's not sure how long they've been roaming the streets, telling each other numerous stories and worries and doubts. Doing this, Jungkook thinks, allows him to open up, allows him to breathe for a while longer.

What most people don't know, is that sometimes, the idol life, it becomes suffocating. So much that some days, you just don't want to get out of bed and face the day. It's a facade they put on, albeit something they've used to, but in all retrospect, he's tired of hiding so much. But it's not like he could go on a broadcast and shout his neverending infatuation he has with his best friend and how whenever he closes his eyes his smile is etched into his brain so deeply he can't help but have him on his mind 24/7. It's a beautiful torture. He can't shout out all the things he's having trouble with the world, it's just not something he would, or could do. Some things are better kept private, secret. Sometimes, you can't allow yourself the freedom.

But tonight, wrapped up in the warmth of Taehyung, it's all he wants, his chest thrums with the warmth he is never used to and can't get enough of. He loves every aspect, every moment because his V hyung made him free. His V hyung had already granted him freedom. This was just one thing he didn't want to share with the world.

**-**

They creep in the dorm later than they imagined.

It's way past their curfews and if they were to get caught, they would be screwed. But either way, Jungkook knows they're screwed because he can tell by the little lamps left on here and there that their hyungs have been waiting for them to show up. Shit. He checks his phone to see he has a few missed calls, but there were fewer than he expected. Granted it's only around four am, so it's not too bad, but if they were any later, they would've been punished. However, if one of their hyungs found them still awake at this time with a busy schedule awaiting them, he's sure they'd get punished anyway.

Jungkook wants to laugh at how he got himself into this mess, but also because he's happy. He feels like tonight he's had so much fun he had forgotten about his troubles. Sure, Taehyung was right next to him, reminding him of his feelings, but with the alcohol, making it his most loud thought, all he can feel is giddiness. More so at the fact that Taehyung has been smiling at him all night like he was the sun, someone to keep him warm. It's a comforting feeling, making someone smile so openly. He sees that smile often and more times than not, he is always the cause. It makes him proud, whenever Taehyung is struggling and Jungkook makes him sit down and talk, or play video games for hours, it's him that puts the smile back on his hyung's face. He would never wish to take it away, for whatever reason. Maybe it's because whenever his hyung is sad, he is too. But tonight, all he can think about is how enrapturing the older is, how flawlessly beautiful he is, the lighting catching his glowing skin and his moles, god his moles, how he wants to kiss every single one on his face until he's a happy, giggling mess in his arms. He gets hit with an almost nostalgic feeling of how simple things were between them, how every kiss on the cheek or simple touch doesn't make him a stuttering blushy mess. But Jungkook can live with it, he will live with it, because having Taehyung like this, next to him cancels out all the negative feelings, cancels out everything that he wishes to do to the older but can't.

Sometimes he wishes he couldn't feel, sometimes. But then he guesses he's lucky, because whatever he's experiencing, love or not, it gives him motivation. Taehyung is his form of hope, something to get up to in the morning, something to make him smile and make him happy. He will continue to swallow down his feelings like a nasty pill, he'll swallow and swallow until he chokes and can no longer breathe.

But Yoongi had opened his mind a little, made himself feel that comfort he had been begging to feel for a while. It's amazing, he thinks, how a simple conversation about something could change him. No, he won't go around blurting his sexuality to everyone, but he has placed it with someone he trusts, and someone that gave him some meaningful advice. Advice he will dearly hold on to and cherish. Because he has his brothers, and he has Taehyung. His lifelong friend, his soul twin.

Tonight, he has been set free, almost. He's willing to let go. Jungkook laughs, loud until he can't breathe and Taehyung is giving him strange looks, clamping a hand over his mouth, attempting to quiet the laughter. This only eggs Jungkook further, as he licks his hand which surprising tastes like...vanilla? Taehyung pulls back with a groan of objection and wipes his spit-slicked hand on his trouser leg.

"Jungkook," Taehyung hisses whilst Jungkook stares at him wickedly, having Taehyung's stomach doing flips. Something stirs inside him, but he doesn't dwell on it for long. It's not every day he sees Jungkook look so free. It's been a while, he thinks.

"Don't be a baby," Jungkook teases, laughing even more as he brings Taehyung's finger to his lips. Taehyung's breath hitches as Jungkook brushes his lips over his finger gently. Jungkook watches with hooded eyes. "I apologise, Mr Kim," Jungkook takes a bow and giggles as Taehyung looks completely stricken, totally unprepared as they delve into their little skits of sorts. Jungkook looks up slowly, and winks, obnoxiously and then he turns around, completely missing the fiery red blush that makes its way onto Taehyung's cheeks. 

On the other hand, Jungkook has no idea why he just did what he did, but he hopes Taehyung isn't mortified by it considering his touchy nature, and besides, Jungkook can be confident for one night, he doesn't want to think on his actions, he will just go with whatever.  

Taehyung gasps and turns around when he hears the lock of doors opening, Namjoon and Hoseok emerging from their respected rooms, both wearing a similar reproachful expression at all the ruckus they had created. Namjoon looks like he wants to be disappointed, or mad, but more than all, he looks tired and Jungkook is hit with sudden guilt. Hoseok grabs some snacks from the bag they were holding, wrinkling his nose up at the lack of selection there, shooting Jungkook a decipherable look of, _what were you doing?_ Namjoon sighs, ready to begin a lecture, but goes against it as he sees the obvious state the two were in. He sends that a small smile and makes sure they drink a lot of water before he's ushering them to his shared room with Namjoon, tendering them both goodnight as he goes to sleep on the couch. 

-

It's a lot warmer inside, Jungkook finds, more so when he's nestled between Taehyung and a thousand duvets are placed on top of them. Taehyung nestled closer to Jungkook unfairly, and his mind is a jumbled mess, sobering up from the intake of all that alcohol. But whilst he's at a loss for words, he can make up for it by his actions. and he almost wants to hit himself in the head for being so...obvious, but he remembers those blissful hours of happiness and realises he would do it again and again in a heartbeat. All he can feel is Taehyung and it's driving him insane. At least before, all the stupid actions that meant more to him could've been passed off because he was simply drunk. Now he is vulnerable and lonely more so than ever. 

"Hyung," He groans out, only a little half-heartedly as Taehyung sprawls out on top of him and stretches, making the most adorable sound as he nestles into the crook of Jungkook's neck. "Hyung, 'm tired, it's hot." 

Taehyung grunts, slumping down further into Jungkook's warm embrace, refusing to move. it's not like Jungkook wants Taehyung to move if he had it the way he wanted to he would hold onto him tighter, but for the sake of his poor heart and his overall health, he needs space to breathe. His heart pounds scared if he'll move Taehyung will hear it. He's bound to lying on top of him like that. His whole body is on fire like Taehyung is burning him. He loves it. 

Jungkook catches Taehyung's eyes fluttering shut and he follows suit. "We should sleep now hyung," he eventually mutters. "This was really fun." 

Taehyung's lips morphed into a lazy, cat-like grin, "You're a lot of fun Gukkie," Taehyung grabs blindly at his face and lets out a hum of satisfaction when his fingers make contact with Jungkook cheeks, poking and prodding them before he swipes a thumb over his lips. Jungkook's so busy giggling that he barely notices the soft touches, barely notices Taehyung's fingers run across the back of his ear, but once he recognises the sensation of the touch brings, it's all he can think about. He gasps and wriggles, but Taehyung doesn't move, doesn't stop touching Jungkook's bottom lip. 

He knows how Taehyung is. Taehyung does this to him sometimes, the 'ear thing'. Whenever he senses there's a dramatic emotion spike, he's always quick to calm Jungkook down. Whether it be when Jungkook is distressed, or nervous, Taehyung does it before concerts, when Jungkook is all clammy and breathing heavily, after performances when he's coming down from the high, the adrenaline that thrums through him and he's looking for something to ground him. Taehyung does it when he's tired and exhausted, muscles cramped and abused. On the way home when it's the quietest and Taehyung can just tell that there's something wrong. 

But what Jungkook doesn't get is that tonight, Jungkook is neither stressed or tired nor is he exhausted or scared, there is simply nothing for Taehyung to feel except a deep, aching loneliness. But he doesn't think Taehyung is all that knowing. Jungkook looks up to him, wondering if it's Taehyung that needed reassurance instead of him, needed that comfort, but he seems so relaxed, essentially melding himself into Jungkook's torso, tracing patterns on his chest. 

He stops thinking about it for a second, just because it's nice. Taehyung's fingers are soft and warm, and every so often his hand would stop going round in circles and would go so close to his nipple it has his breath catching in his throat. And Taehyung smirks, waggling his eyebrows to which Jungkook scoffs at, not being able to stop the smile rising. Jungkook wishes he could slap that look off his face because if only Taehyung knew what he was doing to him, how he thinks of this all as more of a game. But as more time goes on, he feels like putty, melting into the touch of Taehyung. 

And then all at once, his head clears, less foggy than before, and the thoughts flood back. He starts wondering again, thinking. Is this Taehyung being Taehyung? Or is there more to whatever this is? He'll never be able to decipher and it's messing him up. Is this some sort of signal Taehyung is trying to give him? He curses himself for being so damn shy and wriggles his torso free of Taehyung, trying to act uncomfortable with the gesture. He turns over, so they are both lying next to each other. Jungkook turns over and crosses his arms. Taehyung sighs sadly, and understands, taking his hands away from Jungkook's shoulder but he doesn't move away. Taehyung knows very well there is something unspoken hanging between them. Jungkook had never really had to remove himself from Taehyung before, not in the way he just did, shrugging him off like he simple weighed nothing. Like he was nothing. The moment grows heavy, and Jungkook feels like shit and wants to cry because all he does is ruin things. He hears Taehyung shuffling around, trying to get comfortable. All Jungkook can feel is guilt because he knows Taehyung can't sleep without hugging something or someone, and he's basically just told him to fuck off in his actions. 

Taehyung though does not think of it that way. He knows he can make the younger feel uncomfortable at times, especially with his nature of being touchy and comfortable with everyone. he's learnt throughout the years on when and where to touch and when exactly to leave people alone. He's studied, because he knows that people like to ease themselves in whereas he just jumps in, expecting everyone to feel comfortable with him touching him. And he understands, he really does, because Jungkook is still young. Yes, he's basically an adult now, but to Taehyung he will always be that little fifteen-year-old boy that was awkward and reserved. He needs to know that even know he has helped Jungkook to change, sometimes he just wants his space, and Taehyung will willingly give that to him. He would give that to anyone. He doesn't want to be the cause of someone becoming uncomfortable around him, he would hate for that to happen. But deep down, he does feel a little upset at how the younger changed moods so quickly, enjoying Taehyung teasing him to then shoving him off. Maybe he went too far...yeah. Maybe. 

It's been a few minutes, but Jungkook can tell Taehyung isn't asleep. He can hear the way his breathing is too quick and irregular for him to be asleep, and he keeps sighing through his nose, presumably as he's waiting for him to say something. The fatigue is slowly wearing him down though, and for that, he is grateful because he is tired. His chest fills with an unbearable sadness as he wonders if Taehyung thinks he had rejected him harshly. It feels as if a knife had been plunged into his chest. He wants the feeling of Taehyung's hands through his hair again, his hand on his chest, on his lips. He just wants Taehyung. And even though they are lying together, it feels as if he's just put a barrier between them, oceans between them. 

He's messed it all up. 

"Gukkie," He hears a small whisper. 

Maybe he hasn't. Before he lets the older continue, he decides to apologise. "I'm sorry," He shrugs, voice small. 

"Hmm," He hears him murmur, "What for?"

"Shrugging you off like that, I'm just...I don't know." 

Taehyung lets out a little laugh, a breathy quiet nose that was more like a jumble of emotions he couldn't voice aloud and got caught in his throat than an expression of finding something funny. Jungkook turns over and sees Taehyung already staring back at him, looking so tiny wrapped up in the duvet. Taehyung takes his hand out from under the cover and goes to pet his head, Jungkook leaning back into the touch, eyes closing like something a cat would do with its owner. 

"I was annoying you right?" Taehyung questions, staring back at him, glossy eyed, licking his lips, making them look so kissable. 

"No," Jungkook whispers, shaking his head, voice cracking. "I liked it hyung." 

"Then why pull away hmm?" 

"Because..." it doesn't take long for him to find an honest answer, "Because I'm shy and awkward and I didn't know what to do." 

"You didn't have to do anything Guk," 

"I know, it's just all...confusing me really." He breathes out. He's confused yes, but that isn't exactly the truth. He hasn't been confused for a while. He knows. He knows he likes Taehyung, but it's a secret he has to keep. 

The room is filled with silence once again, enough that you'd almost be able to hear a pin drop, and the silence doesn't really reside well with Taehyung. He slides a hand down Jungkook arm, watching as he breathes out slowly, looks him straight in the eye. He reaches the end of Jungkook's long shirt and fiddles with the fabric, and he gasps softly when he feels Jungkook hold his waist and slide him closer to him. 

They both don't need any answers, they can't find the right words. But what they do know, is actions speak louder than words. So without much thought, Jungkook leans in, closer to Taehyung with every passing second, and Taehyung doesn't realise he's holding his breath until Jungkook, at the last minute, heads from his lips to his cheek, placing a soft kiss there and Taehyung exhales shakily. He didn't know what he was expecting, or why he felt so disappointed that the younger didn't kiss him properly. 

"We really need to sleep now," Jungkook says calmly as if what he just did didn't affect him as much as it did Taehyung. He can't help but be in awe of Taehyung's beauty, how his cheeks are now dusted with a light pink and his eyes are wide, searching for his. And his moles, and how he wants to trace them with his fingers.

Jungkook yawns loudly, and Taehyung yawns too, Jungkook turns Taehyung around gently, and snuggles into his back, letting Taehyung hold onto his arm and intertwine their legs again. When Jungkook hears Taehyung's breathing evening out, he presses a small kiss at the base of Taehyung's neck, watching the younger squirm his head into the pillow more, tightening his hold onto the younger's arm. 

Jungkoook is guilty still. Guilty of lying to himself all these years, and to Taehyung too. He had never expected to get so close to the friendly older boy. Jungkook was an antisocial, shy, little teenager, wanting to live his life to the fullest. But at least he was Taehyung's antisocial, shy, little teenager. He had let his feelings simmer inside of him, trying to ignore the pang in his heart everytime he was with Taehyung for too long. That was fine, Jungkook was good at pretending. But he could only take so much. He doesn't know why his mind tortures him like this, trying to keep Taehyung so close to him when he knew he could never have him like he wanted to. When he was most likely straight, and even if he wasn't, it wouldn't be like Taehyung would want him in that way anyway, Taehyung probably thought he was like a little brother to him, nothing more. 

The touches, hand holding, moments like these, weren't real in the way Jungkook wanted them to be. The urge to cry becomes stronger as the loneliness hits him harder. Jungkook had been lying to Taehyung, and that's what hurt the most.

But when he snuggles up closer, breathing in Taehyung's scent, he feels peaceful. Like he's home. His feelings will always be complex and  _different._ They run deeper than ever, and it's a scary thing. It had only become less scary when he had talked to Yoongi earlier. But his erratic thoughts still don't stop, they take him back to where he started, lost and alone. 

Jungkook gulps. "I-I love you," he mumbles, voice hardly audible. He's lucky Taehyung is fast asleep, not hearing his small confession.

_[ Sleep well hyung. ]_


	12. thirteen

** NIGHTMARE **

**-**

******May 2016 (BONUS CHAPTER)**

**-**

Jungkook sighs as he drags himself into the studio, the day already half over. He rubs his eyes and sinks into the chair wearily. He's lucky they didn't have to do much today, besides messing about - trying to create some new songs which is why he is staring blankly at the open laptop screen in front of him, the document page completely sparse of any words, seemingly mocking him. The lined cursor blinks back at him as if it's just waiting for him to type something, anything at all. 

He had learnt a lot from Yoongi when he was introduced to the whole songwriting and producing skit. For Jungkook, he can guess that it doesn't just take five minutes to make a song unless you pour your entire heart into the song. He found it comical when Namjoon had run into the dorm after a tiring songwriting session saying he had finished a few songs he had been working on for a few hours. It was an enchanting thing to witness, and it motivated Jungkook to try and be on the same level as his Hyung. If there was one thing about Jungkook, he doesn't like to slack off, even if his focus is just the main vocal. He has to keep himself busy, even if it's writing amateur lyrics and making a basic beat. Jungkook knows how passionate he can be, and he insisted on having one of his rapper Hyungs to teach him the do's and don'ts on making a song - and of course, he had listened patiently. 

Most times, he would play around with the Cubase in Suga's room and make a small beat to work with. He knows it takes time and patience, and he realises he needs to add some feeling to make the song better, but he is terrible at expressing things in the right way, it's messy and unplanned and overall takes longer. He can't think of the right words to say daily, let alone making an entire song regardless of whether it's planned out or not. 

He breathes in deeply, repositions himself in the chair and wills himself to think of something. 

Its quiet times like this Jungkook can think clearly. It all seems like so long ago, him confessing everything to Yoongi, something so far away. He can't find it in himself to regret his actions, but now it seems like he's stuck in one place, forever going back and forth. He knows he will tell the others soon, he just doesn't know how, and he finds himself doubting whether he should've just kept his little secret to himself. He can't say how frustrating it is. He remembers last night so easily it comes as a scare to him. How he slipped up and said the words he never thought he would to Taehyung. But of course, Taehyung could- no,- would probably never understand. 

Jungkook isn't pessimistic, he's a realist. 

And he regrets his actions a teeny, tiny bit. It felt good to say it out loud, that he won't deny. It just leaves an uncomfortably bitter taste in his mouth. It's Korea. He knows things aren't as simple as he wishes, he knows he can't just confess to Taehyung and they can live happily - maybe even get married. It doesn't work like that. For one, he's an idol and dating would be a hassle with a female, let alone a member of the same band as him. It's a childish dream really, ever since he was young and he can only feel upset that yes, he's found someone who he loves, but can't be with, it's a pointless thing to love in a place he is in. Jungkook feels burdened and yet on some days he doesn't. It's a repeated process of going in circles. He's tired of all these circles. 

Instead, he's filled with a passionate hatred towards the people who came up with such a stupid law.  _Homophobic people._

He's never understood why it's so frowned upon, even as a kid. Being gay is not some terrible disease. It's love, and just as Yoongi says, it tugs at you without hesitation. Love chooses no gender.

It's a sad world he lives in. 

Jungkook finds himself staring out the window, watching the birds fly past with speed, gliding gracefully. Jungkook doesn't even notice how angry he is until he looks down and sees his hands fisted, turning a light white, shaking somewhat. He breathes deeply and calms himself. He learns that avoiding the entire I-love-my-best-friend issue would never work out, it was such a stupid idea that not only caused him pain, but he noticed that it also caused Taehyung some pain too. He must have felt so confused and insecure. To Jungkook he only feels as if now, they're oceans apart. They live beside each other, and will continue to do so for some time, Jungkook _knows._ Relentlessly, he can't stop having these moments where he thinks it's better with these barriers between them, yet when the sun goes into hiding and brings on the moon, he feels incredibly lonely. He often wonders if Taehyung feels like that too. 

It's unfair, horribly so, but he's a coward and has been running out of options for a while. Things can never go back to the way they were between him and Taehyung, it was impossible. He doesn't want to lie anymore. Since debut, the both of them have always been incredibly close. It started off simply platonic, friendly, compassionate. Jungkook found comfort in the arms of Taehyung and vice versa. Taehyung is the only Hyung Jungkook can lose honorifics with, Taehyung being the one that first enforced the idea. Taehyung didn't feel like a hyung to him anyway, they were both basically young children. Hopeless. Maybe it's endearment or something else that's driving Jungkook to act so recklessly. They have always been the closest two, and Jungkook doesn't want to lose the special bond they have together.

He can't even remember when things started to change. When his heart yearned for the bubbly older in a different way. but he supposes that's not important anymore.

If only his heart didn't choose someone so impossible to love.  

_(He still can't help but hope and imagine though.)_

-

Comebacks were always stressful, going to show after show, doing fan signs, travelling worlds away from home. Everyone's on edge at times like this, despite how fun it is to travel and explore the world. 

Taehyung was good at hiding his emotions, they all were. It was like a mask, a facade to show their beloved fans that they were doing fine. It was hard on Jungkook, smothered by fatigue at such a young age, but they all had to push through the extra hours and gruelling training. Keeping everything bottled in is bad for their body, and even worse for their mental state. Taehyung doesn't prefer to linger on the negatives, he just wants to enjoy his time with whatever he's doing at all times. He hates dwelling on the what if's and the maybe's, He isn't like that, he doesn't want to be like that. Sometimes he just can't help it. He's carefree - that he won't apologise for. 

His thoughts today, however, linger on one person specifically for too long - and that, he feels he has to apologise for. 

_(The wound only gets deeper.)_

-

The door to the studio creaks open and Jungkook yawns, eyes darting to the opening. Namjoon walks in with a sleepy smile, a steaming hot cup of ramen in his hands, pushing it into Jungkook's eagerly outstretched fingers. "Thanks, Hyung," Jungkook whispers sleepily, smiling up at him in appreciation. Namjoon responds by ruffling up his hair playfully and pulling a chair up beside him. Jungkook starts shovelling down the noodles greedily, hardly stopping to take a breath. 

Jungkook didn't even realise he's almost spent the entire day cooped up inside the studio, but he finds he doesn't mind. The quiet is nice every now and again. 

"How's it going?" He nods his head in the direction of the blank document. "Yoongi-Hyung said I'd find you in here,"

Jungkook's face crumples, and he shovels more food in his mouth, pausing to get a word in. "Okay, I guess? I mean, I'm having some trouble.." He trails off, a yawn interrupting his sentence, mouth full of chewed food on display. "I can't express myself very well Hyung." 

"How about you sleep on it?" Namjoon smiles, leaning over the maknae to close the lid of the laptop, hopefully getting a message across that he should go to bed. Jungkook protests weakly as he finishes off the last bits of his food, before eventually complying and trailing off back to the dorm behind Namjoon. He grasps lightly at his Hyung's sweater as the sudden tiredness rendering his limbs to be cramped and unsteady. 

" _Bed,_ " Namjoon instructs, giving Jungkook a light push into the direction of his room when they get through the door. "Mhhm, just gotta check up on Taehyungie-hyung" 

Namjoon shakes his head with a lazy smile when Jungkook was out of sight. _Idiot._

"Tae-ah?" He walks over to Taehyung's room, walking over to the bed, seeing a lump in the shape of Taehyung under the duvet. "Hyung?" He whispers into Taehyung's ear, jostling his shoulders slightly. Taehyung stirs, rolling over in his bed blinking up at Jungkook through long lashes. 

"Kookie-ah," He whispers, voice husky and thick from sleep. Adorable confusing stretches out across his face as he slowly gets his bearings. Jungkook smiles. He thinks Taehyung is the cutest like this. He knows a few hours later and he'll think Taehyung is cuter in the morning. Fast forward an hour and it would be Taehyung eating, singing, Taehyung at practice.  _Just Taehyung._

" _Just saying goodnight,_ " He says with another smile, leaning down to adjust the covers around Taehyung. Taehyung beams up at him.  

"Goodnight Kookie," he launches himself up and drags Jungkook down onto the bed in a hug, pulled atop Taehyung in a tangled mess of limbs. 

Jungkook flushes under the safety of the darkness. Taehyung's soft, warm body, his comforting scent encompasses him. He breathes deeply and exhales, trying not to move. 

"G'night," Taehyung says again. more sleepily this time, and Jungkook mumbles one back in response against the crook of Taehyung's neck, reluctantly detangling himself. 

"Hey! where's my goodnight?" Seokjin's questions in mocking betrayal when Jungkook was halfway out the door. Yoongi manages to throw a pillow at the back of the eldest hyung's head, landing with a soft thump. 

"Night Hyungs," Jungkook throws casually over his shoulder, albeit not with as  _much_  effort as he put in with Taehyung's goodnight. Jungkook pads softly over to his own room with a massive grin on his face. The effect Taehyung has on him, _damn._ His entire body tingles with warm energy, the grin only getting wider. 

He hops into bed, shivering slightly at the coldness of his sheets, heavily contrasted to the warmth of Taehyung's, mind drifting to him as it usually does. _Warmth._ He vaguely notices the only light still on coming from the direction of Namjoon's room, but before he could question why his Hyung wasn't sleeping yet, he drifts off to sleep. 

**-**

**BTS GUERILLA PERISCOPE**

 

 

Out of all colours, Taehyung just had to get his hair dyed red. Jungkook would be lying if he said he still hasn't gotten over the colour and how it suited Taehyung's golden skin tone immensely well. It's almost unfair, he thinks, how perfect he looks. How the sun even seems to agree as it shines over him like a spotlight, gathering everyone's needed attention. He even spent ages combing his fingers through it whilst his hyung had napped in his lap, softly fiddling with the strands and braiding it as nicely as he could. He almost felt he wasn't worthy enough to see Taehyung like this, vulnerable and lips pouting, curled into a little ball with his arms wrapped around his torso. He doesn't understand how one male could be this cute. 

Jungkook's heart almost breaks when the staff say they will be going live soon, and need to get ready. He can already hear the whirs of multiple hairdryers and the scrape of chairs as his hyungs take their places. Taehyung yawns and stretches, giving Jungkook a small chuckle as he skips over to his chair and plonks himself down, chatting loudly to the female staff member. Jungkook's heart aches for a few seconds and he stares for even longer before he breaks the icy stare and stands up, brushing himself down and smooth out his hair ready for the periscope live that was about to commence. 

He can only blame himself for wanting to be the MC. He's hyped enough though, the little moments he shares with Taehyung and even the rest of the members never fail to lift his spirits. So with a smirk and a plan in action, he heads for the door, waiting to greet the viewers for the live show. 

It's halfway through Jungkook realises he can't quite take his eyes off of Taehyung. he even forgets there is a camera on them momentarily, coming up behind his hyung with a big grin on his face. No, he didn't have to touch Taehyung's hand that was holding the phone, but he did. It's these sort of moments where he gets so lost in Taehyung. It should scare him, and it does sometimes, but right now, a couple minutes left before they have to perform, everything just feels right for him. Even if it's a casual touch that's reciprocated or a generous smile aimed for him, it doesn't fail to make Jungkook's heart beat faster, doesn't fail to make him giddier, wanting nothing more than to wrap himself up in his arms of comfort and drift off to a nice sleep. 

So, with a couple minutes left and the live stream ended, he clings himself to Taehyung's side, sharing subtle glances or two as Taehyung playfully pokes his side and cheek before they giggle and are taken to the stage. 

This is as close as he will get, Jungkook thinks, and it's enough for him. 

 

 

 


	13. fourteen

**NIGHTMARE**

**-**

**Another small bonus chapter because im soft for late night taekook.**

 

**-**

 

Jungkook watches Namjoon toss and turn in his sleep. His hair sprawls across his pillows, and for a moment, it seems almost too inviting. He can’t sleep, a given when his thoughts are a mess and seeing his leader all wrapped up and snuggled, content in the land of dreams, it makes Jungkook envious, but also extremely glad his hyung was sleeping for once. 

The previous couple of weeks he’s seen Namjoon with bruised eyes from sleeplessness, frame slimming ever so slightly - hardly noticeable to the fans, but noticeable to him. That’s what keeps him rooted to his spot on his own bed. He’d hate himself if he had woken up the member in need of precious sleep the most. He owes a lot to the man. Not only does he help in writing and producing a lot of the songs they make (most of them really,) he is still a little boy trapped in a big body. Jungkook finds a lot of the time he needs to remind himself of this the most. Namjoon isn’t the eldest hyung like Seokjin, he can’t bear heavy burdens and Jungkook finds himself keeping his problems  _ his _ problems so it can lessen the weight Namjoon has to carry. He’d like to, if he could all the time, sort out his problems all on his own, not even having to turn to his hyung so he could have a break. But realistically, some things just can’t be solved by himself.

Namjoon is definitely deserving of the leader title, but they all know he is still in need of being babied. He’s not the eldest, and if Jungkook’s being honest, he’s glad Namjoon’s not. It makes it easier for Jungkook to talk to his hyung about any problems because for him, it’s like talking to Jimin or Hoseok. They’re not years and years apart, and it makes it easier for Namjoon to relate to him. Don’t get him wrong though, he would still talk to Seokjin no matter what - they are all super close and hardly look at age anyways - but it’s nicer to have that leader that can also relate to his problems and his hyungs problems. To Jungkook, Namjoon is a perfect balance. Something that is taken away, the scales would tip and his world would plunge into darkness. Namjoon is their foundation, their rock to fall back on. And it’s just one thought that brings his eyes to gloss over - Who can Namjoon fall back on?

Sure, he can fall on their shoulders, his trusted members, but Namjoon is still young, and besides, none of them really know what it’s like. Maybe Yoongi. Maybe that’s why Namjoon spends most of his time cooped up beside Yoongi - because the elder can relate to him. Not in the same scenario, but in the emotions of feeling trapped and isolated, like no one cna understand you. Jungkook always likes hearing stories about Yoongi’s younger years and how he has struggled not only with himself and his inner demons but with the rotten world around him. More often than not, Jungkook listens to open his eyes. He’s lucky he was raised in a place where opportunities arose for him, not the other way around. It makes him feel smaller sometimes like he doesn’t quite fit in, and maybe that’s where his own problems start - with himself.

Tentatively, he slips on some slippers and gently pads his way out into the living room and onto their balcony, in much need of some fresh air. He was sick to death of feeling suffocated by his mind. God, he wonders just how his hyung’s do it. He’s been so sheltered his entire life, but he’s known of hardships, knows of hard work and dedication and the means of not giving up, but his hyungs have really gone through it all. But still, maybe it’s an age thing, and he will soon grow to understand. He still feels the ebbs of anger trying to relight at that stupid phrase - ‘you’ll only understand when you’re older.’ If there is anything he hates more, it’s being undermined and underestimated. He understands, he does. But it’s the emotions he’s lacking in, the process of actually going through someone else's turmoil. He hates the phrase the most because no, he will never  _ understand  _ how it  _ felt _ physically and emotionally, but he can imagine - and sadly, that’s all he’s got with him.

The skies have become clearer in recent days, mixing burnt oranges with rosy pinks and mauve purples. Clouds have seemingly become a thing of the past and frosty greys take its place. The changing of one season to another, autumn to winter. The satisfying crunch of leaves beneath his boots, the cuddles between other humans and warmth seeping into his fingertips from a cup of hot chocolate - he doesn’t know what could be better.

He hears a soft thud from somewhere inside his dorm, making his head turn, scanning to see who could be up at this hour. A part of him hopes it would be Taehyung, coming out and dragging him back into his bed, the rest of their hours spent sleeping alone becoming hours spent sleeping together. But that would be stupid to wish of, and the thought makes him nervous. His heartbeat picks up and he finds it so stupid, how one small sound and his exciting imagination conjures up something that makes him act this way.

Even if it happens to be Taehyung, he wouldn’t know what to say. It seems that way between them. Nothing is awkward, but nothing is perfect either and it makes Jungkook overthink all over again. Had he said something wrong? Acted a way that made Taehyung uncomfortable? Said something when he was sleeping that related to his immense crush on Taehyung and how he feels he can never get over it and it’s eating him alive every single day?

He bangs his fist on the wooden border separating him from the massive drop below. He cringes at how loud it had been, but everything is louder at night. Still, the dorm behind him remains eerily quiet. Like he had awoken to a ghost town. He just needs his mind to stop, to slow down and organise everything into little categories so it becomes easier to digest.

For a moment, it seems as if the world had stopped moving. There is no one below him on the streets, no birds, no wind, nothing. And it helps a lot. It allows him to catch his breath and become calm, just him and the sound of his breathing. His hands stretch out to the sides, gripping the wooden railing as he tips his head down and closes his eyes. Just for a short moment, he’ll allow himself the pleasure of being with himself.

That is until he hears the door behind him slid open and the scent of - well, shampoo for one and the sweetness of Taehyung. It smells entirely of him. He could be cliche and say the elder smells of strawberries or vanilla, but that alone cannot describe him correctly. He smells vaguely of home, comfort and stress relief. Jungkook’s aware those are things you can’t actually smell, but it’s just how it is.

“Guk-ah?”

The husky voice that sends shivers down his spine. He straightens his back and sighs. He blinked back tears threatening to fall and swallows to clear the lump growing in his throat. He has the urge to fiddle with something, so he takes his hoodie sleeves and toys with the ends, turning around slowly. The first thing he sees is Taehyung’s small figure wrapped up in a small blanket, feet sticking out at the bottom and it makes Jungkook choke up, coughing instead of laughing for the fear of actually crying out instead. The rush of emotions he’s had pent up has left him frustrated and on the verge of boiling over. It’s always like this when he’s alone when his true self comes out from hiding and he thinks he might have a place. Where Taehyung always finds him, on the edge. He wants to block everything out, but he can’t. All his emotions inside are crumbling down around him like a house of cards.

“Gukkie? Why are you outside this late?” Taehyung tries to find Jungkook’s eyes in the darkness but realises the younger's eyes are cast downwards. He takes a slow step forward, treating Jungkook like he was a small deer trapped in a corner, frightened and confused. Taking in the way the younger’s shoulders sag more and more, he quickens his steps until he’s pushed the younger gently onto the brick wall, bringing a finger under his chin to push it upwards, locking eyes. He gasps softly when he sees Jungkook’s eyes shining with unshed tears. He looks so...vulnerable and lost, it makes his heart squeeze in his chest. Just like all the other times before.

“Couldn’t sleep,” Jungkook utters, voice like silk dancing across the moonlight. It has Taehyung captured, eyes on him and only him. He watches the younger’s eyes trail off to focus on the light he spots in the distance but is immediately snapping back when Taehyung tuts at him.

“Couldn’t sleep hmm? Bad dreams?”

Jungkook shakes his head. “Just...some thoughts hyung.”

Jungkook’s eyes shoot open when his face becomes smushed against Taehyung’s chest, warm arms enveloping themselves around his torso. He doesn’t even feel his body shake, or a small sob to escape his lips, but when he does come to realise the hot salty tears slipping down his cheeks, he can’t stop himself. He hates how everytime Taehyung comes to find him, he’s crying or being some sort of mood dampener. He’s sure his hyung wanted nothing more than a drink but came face to a sobbing baby who couldn’t even act mature enough. He mumbles something into Taehyung’s fabric, but he just shushes him, hands rubbing up and down his back.

“We all have thoughts Jungkook, you just need to find the will to make the bad ones disappear, yeah? I know baby, it’s hard. I know. We end up trying to be strong for so long we just crumble.”

The sincerity in his hyungs words makes him cry harder, never hearing Taehyung so… conflicted and serious before. He doesn't dwell on the little 'baby' thrown in there too. It makes him want to wrap Taehyung up instead, so Jungkook clings on tighter, in the hopes his Taehyungie gets the message. They need to protect each other in a world like this.

Gradually, his cries turn to small sniffles and he’s wiping his nose on his sleeve. His hair irritates his eyes, but he doesn’t have to worry because Taehyung’s already brushing it out of the way tenderly, brows furrowing in concentration. Jungkook stops breathing when Taehyung plants a soft kiss on his forehead, a gentle reminder that their bond will never be broken. He feels his cheeks growing warmer and warmer, a dumb smile playing on his lips.

“Let’s get you inside, you can sleep with me in my room if you want?” Taehyung asks, heart leaping from his chest when he takes in the way the younger’s expression changes entirely, lighting up like a Christmas tree.

“Can we cuddle too?”

“Anything for you Gukkie,”

“Kisses?”

Taehyung chuckles softly, ruffling Jungkook’s hair listening to the younger’s squeals and melodic laughter, lips pulled into a pout, clinging onto his shoulders.

“Anything for you.”


End file.
